Lucent Dreams Life Coaching

2011-01-23T06:18:00.000-05:00

Communication Session Five:

"If you support me as I try new things, I will become responsible."

-- Support not rescue. When you support them in making decisions, fixing meals, pitching in with chores, paying bills, etc., you set them up for success. Refrain from rescuing the small day to day stuff.

-- "What support do you require?" By asking them this open ended question, you do not assume that YOU have the answer. Leave off the "from me" at the end. Listen with your lips shut.

-- Support freely and routinely. By making your support available at all times, they can come to rely on you for being there in the tough times.

-- Know thyself. Knowing what kind of emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual support you require will tune your insight to others more readily.

-- "What does support mean to you?" Asking an open ended question such as this will bring about some interesting responses. Be sure you are in a good place to listen well."

-- Teach support by modeling it. Do you model self care? Are you using "support" in your daily vocabulary? Or are you rescuing each time "forgets" something?

-- Allow them to learn. Learning from mistakes is what creates character, wisdom, opportunity, skill and discernment. Allow them to fail, take chances and learn and grow. Don't jump in and 'do it for them' or 'help' until they ask you to, with WORDS.

Sticking to it!

2011-01-07T11:21:00.000-05:00

Are you overwhelmed by your resolutions yet? Are you starting to feel overwhelmed, but you are still determined to stick to them this year?

Here are a few hints that might help you ‘stick to it.’

1. Prioritize: Your list may be a mile long or just a half page long. Either way, the best way to get into action is to start with the goal that will require the least amount of time or energy on your part. By doing this you will feel better and it will give you energy to tackle the next ‘hardest’ thing on your list.

2. What's getting in the way? Sometimes, I find procrastination is more about something getting in the way than anything else. It could be you don't have every piece of the puzzle to be able to move forward into accomplishing something. It could be you don't know how to do ONE aspect of it. It could also be that this is a SHOULD and isn't absolutely necessary to your success. Whatever's holding you back, just get clear on it.

3. How long will it REALLY take: I've found that often, I delay on a task because I anticipate it taking a lot longer than it really will. To get past this, look at a task and ask yourself how long it will realistically take to get done. Then, take out the to-do list and write down the time it will take you to accomplish it next to each item (15 minutes, 2 hours, etc.). Once you ‘do it’ write down the time it actually took and see if you were right about time. Often things we don’t like we over estimate the time it will take, and the same is true things we like to do we often under estimate the time we spend on it.

4. Schedule it: Look at your calendar and find time slots that correspond to the time allotment for each task you did above and schedule them, as if they were appointments you were unable to cancel.

5. Just do it: Once you've got the "task appointments" scheduled in your book, just do them. You'll power through them like you've never done before. It's actually pretty cool. Reward yourself each and every time you accomplish something you have been putting off. Just like teaching a child or training an animal, the closer the reward is to the completion of the task, the faster you retrain yourself to look forward to ‘task appointments’ instead of dreading them.

Remember having an accountability partner or a life coach will really help keep you on task. Getting to tell someone else everything you have accomplished during the week gives you a sense of empowerment and truly raises your self-esteem.

Good Luck and remember I am here to help you live the life you truly want to live.

The Steps of Change

2011-01-03T06:36:00.001-05:00

Most of us think we can just ‘make a change’ because we say so or because we think we want it, but actually change happens a lot more subtly than that. While life coaching and reading books by great life coaches, I have noticed a pattern that happens over and over again before a change really sticks.

First you have to become aware of something being a ‘bad’ habit for you. Then you have to become aware of yourself doing it and when. You will be more successful stopping the behavior if you offer yourself love and grace when you find yourself engaging in it.

You need to become aware of your personal triggers for this ‘bad’ habit. Then and only then can you start the process of change. Since most of us can relate to ‘bad’ food habits I will use food as an example to show how this works. The same thing applies to any ‘habit’ you want to change though.

Step one- becoming aware, you have been watching TV or surfing the internet, looking up you see soda bottles, candy wrappers, chip bags, empty cookie bags and a box or two of donuts sitting all around you. You don’t even really remember consuming all that junk, but since no one else was home, it must have been you. You don’t like the feeling of eating without realizing what you have even consumed.

Step two, if you are like most of us, you start to berate yourself, verbally flogging yourself, abusing yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually and all the while swearing you will never do it again….yet the very next time you are tired, stressed, or drained, you do.

Now if you change that reaction and thought process to one of loving yourself, offering yourself Grace and saying, “I really did my best, I was tired and met my needs the best way I knew in the moment”, you change everything. Your body isn’t set up to rebel, feel bad, or protect itself from the starvation tactics that would normally come next. This alone is the most important step to opening up the possibility for change.

Now you can begin to keep tract of those moments when your ‘bad’ habit pops up. Your body and mind are working together, so your body isn’t going to sneak around while your mind is occupied. It will be easier to ‘look back’ and see exactly what triggers your ‘bad’ habit. Once you see and become aware of the triggers you can begin to head them off.

Doing something about the trigger is a much more effective way to change than to just ‘make yourself behave’ no matter what. It is like distracting a child with a toy or game just before they break out in a tantrum. It is easier to make a small change that prevents the trigger, than to make a big change to control the ‘bad’ habit.

With food, retrain yourself to eat whatever you want, as long as you are sitting at the table, eating off a plate, and doing nothing except eating… no TV, internet, or books. Try eating at the table -- just you, a friend or two and maybe some nice soft music in the background. Chances are even if you are still eating the ‘junk’ foods you will eat MUCH less and yet feel MUCH more satisfied.

New Year, New You?

2011-01-01T09:50:00.001-05:00

Why are we all programmed to think January 1^st always means ‘new resolutions’ if we were serious about wanting change we would have done it any other day of the year. When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, we change.

We don’t like pain, but we tend to get comfortable with the ‘devil’ we do know until that ‘devil’ is so bad we have no choice except change or die. We will make things terrible, we will self-sabotage, and we will retell tragic stories to get ourselves to change, when we really WANT that change.

Are you ready to change? Do you even know exactly what you want to change? Do you know WHY, you want to change? These questions are very important to the change process.

Lasting changes are a series of small choices that become habits. To know where you can make those small lasting choices you have to be aware of what you are doing now. Most of us work on auto-pilot and aren’t even aware of the choices we are making until we ‘see the results’ of those choices… an overdrawn bank account, a mess of junk food wrappers around us, hours zoned out in from of a tv and you can’t even remember what you were watching, missing hours from internet surfing, etc….

We can’t ‘vow’ to do things differently until we are aware of what we are doing now. So, if you are truly serious this year about eating differently, keep a food log for a week then choose ONE thing to change each week. You could add a vegetable each day, replace a candy bar with a piece of fruit.

If you want to have more money, first keep a log of where you spend EVERY PENNY as you spend it for at least a week to a full month, then make one change a week. Stop one dinner out, or pack your lunch a couple days, or drop one monthly bill for a service you never use, add something like Netflix and stop going out to movies.

If you want to use your time better, keep a log of how you spend every minute of every day for at least a week. Then choose ONE thing to change. Turn the tv off 30 minutes sooner, set your alarm 30 min earlier, take a real lunch break.

Just make one small change, then the next week one more small change…. These changes will stick a lifetime, not just the typical first few weeks of January.

Remember, these are the things a life coach can help you with. A life coach helps you define who you really want to be and where you really want to go and shows you how to break old habits and ways of thinking and seeing to get there. Call or email me if you are serious about making real lasting changes this year! An investment in yourself and your future is also an investment in your family!

Niche, Niche, Niche

2010-12-20T10:58:00.002-05:00

Niche... this word has plagued me since I became a professional life coach. Everyone, everywhere I turned was telling me I had to have a NICHE... become an expert on one thing the market needs and clients will seek you out. You will be successful beyond measure if you just find where your passion meets the world's great need. I woke up this morning thinking I had it all finally figured out, but the more I tried to define it in words the more it escaped me.

I am not a weight loss life coach, I am not a parenting life coach, I am not a couple's life coach, I am not a women in transition life coach.... I am a hero's life coach! I believe we are all on the Hero's Journey, we are all doing the best we can with what we have been given and the STORY (AKA, our personal mythology) either limits or expands our world, our choices and our happiness.

With the programs I co-create with my clients, I help them re-write their stories, open their worlds, and accomplish great deeds they never thought possible. I help the achieve levels of joy and happiness they thought only existed in fairytales. It makes my heart and soul soar knowing I don't have to 'choose' one set of clients to focus on because I only work with heroes and those wanting to be heroes!

Here is something I wrote in April that still rings true for me, maybe even truer now than when I wrote it.

If you think of yourself as the hero completing difficult tasks, you learn and receive the hero’s rewards. The hero’s journey is hard, but the amazing strength, companions, and joy the hero finds are worth every hard moment. The hero feels connected to the Divine, to companions, to mentors, to himself and knows that every hard task is rewarded beyond measure.

Your thoughts create your feelings making you a co-creator of your life. When you think of yourself as the hero, your feelings inspire your actions. If you feel like a hero you will act like one, you will have super inner strength, endurance, and determination. Your actions produce results. As the hero, with choices, you will attempt the seemingly impossible, fail-learn, fail-learn, fail-learn and then succeed- surpassing your wildest dreams.

Actions (no matter how small) transform your reality. Try seeing yourself as the hero on a never-ending journey. When you do, life just gets more magical and beautiful with each step. You will experience the ‘impossible’ happening around you and within you everyday.

If you are a hero (or want to be) and you have personal dragons to slay, I am the life coach for you. Together we will be like Merlin and Arthur, Athena and Heracles, Andraste and Boudica.... YOU are the HERO, my role is simply to help you see that so that YOU can go forward to slay the internal dragons that are holding you back from living the life you know is yours.

"Adventures in Romance" a 12 week program for couples.

2010-12-18T15:43:00.000-05:00

This is the next lesson from the course I am developing for couples, "Adventures in Romance" if you and your partner want to start the year off with stronger skills and awareness, give me a call or email me to set up a time to meet and discuss how life coaching could be just what you need.

Communication Session Two:

"If you listen to me, I will feel understood."

-- Listen to learn. When you listen, reminding yourself to be in a state of learning, curiosity, and openness, you refrain from judgment, which hurts everybody.

Be interested in what you are hearing, even if you don’t think you will be pretend until you are or find at least one thing that is being said an opportunity to learn even more about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

-- Listen with your lips shut. When you are practicing listening, keep your lips closed and / or put your hand over your mouth so you do not interrupt.

Count to 3 silently before asking or saying the next thing. Do not be afraid of silence. Use the silence to connect on a deep level.

-- Listen then respond. Listen without "stepping on their lines" or having your ideas ready to pounce. Respond only when you have let them say all they have to say.

Ask at least 3 focused questions BEFORE stating ANY of your ideas or impressions. Try to FEEL what they are saying, as if you were in their skin.

-- Put down everything. Turn the radio and TV off, close the newspaper or the book, turn and face the other person and focus 100% on what they have to say. Silence while you wait will create the space for communication.

Be attentive and actively silent. Quiet lulls in the conversation gives the other person time to process, open up and feel safe.

-- Listen to their body language. Look, listen and pay attention with all your senses to what is being said, not being said, in their posture, attitude, clothes, music and anything else. Tune your whole self to your emerging partner.

Make sure your body language is open, leaning forward, make eye contact.

-- Focus on what they need. When a person feels heard, it increases the chance for more communication and to be able to talk about the tough stuff.

Ask the question “What do you need to feel supported right now?”

-- Listen to understand. When you listen with care and patience, listen for their point of view, their real feelings, their pain and their own story without expressing your own ideas.

When your partner is telling you about his/her bad day, don’t “identify” with them by sharing your bad day. Listen and respond only to your partner’s situation until both of you know that he/she has been heard and feels understood.

"Adventures in Romance" a 12 week program for couples.

2010-12-11T14:54:00.003-05:00

I have had many people who were happy with their life coaching programs. One of the first questions they ask after they finish a set of workshops or a 12 week program of their own is "would you work with my spouse :) ." I have found in those cases it is best to work with both people so that they are on the same page and can grow together. I will be posting some of the tools and important work that I will be doing with these couples. If you think you and your partner would find doing this guided work with me helpful, email or call me to set up the first session.

Communication Session One:

"If you respect me, I will hear you."

-- I respect you. When you say "I am proud of you," it is about you. When you say "I respect you," it is about them. It makes them feel good about themselves.

Write down one thing you respect your partner for: __________________. How are you going to say that to them?

-- I respect myself. When you think, say and act respectfully to yourself, you model it for your partner.

What do you do right now that shows you respect yourself? What boundary do you set, in what way do you take care of yourself?

-- What does respect mean to you? When you ask an open-ended question, listen for the answer without expressing your own ideas.

Think of one question you want to ask your partner. Ask and listen.

-- Focus on qualities not accomplishments. When you respect others for their qualities, not their behaviors or accomplishments, it helps them see it in themselves.

List three qualities you love about your partner.

-- Acknowledge their emerging positive values. When you see, hear and acknowledge another person's values, they feel seen, heard, and acknowledged for who they ARE not for what they do.

List three positive values your partner has.

-- Express unconditional respect. It builds self-esteem in others when they hear your unconditional respect for being alive and worthy. Allow them to feel worthy.

How will you express unconditional respect this week?

-- Focus on the outcome. The outcome is that your partner feels self- respect. Modeling it and saying it, allows them to own it as their own.

What does self-respect look like to you? How will you know if you see it in your partner?

Picture Yourself Thin, by Jillian Michaels

2010-12-03T07:05:00.003-05:00

***This article is by Jillian Michaels, she is saying beautifully what I teach people to do successfully in the Four Day Win Program. If you are having trouble being successful call or email me today to set up your free initial session.*****

You want to lose 50 pounds, and you want it bad! You can even envision the new, svelte you wearing impossibly hip and fitted new clothes. Yet year after year, the pounds stick around. What's going to be different this time? You're going to have a plan!

Without a plan, long-term goals can seem too overwhelming or too remote to achieve. If you set smaller, short-term goals, you'll be better able to stay on track and move forward. Grab a pen now and write down some short-term goals you'd like to achieve daily, weekly, and monthly in order to work toward your long-term goals. For example, you could write that you plan to prepare healthy snacks to take to work each day, to work out three times a week, or to learn five new healthy recipes a month.

While setting and reaching a goal in itself is rewarding, sometimes a little motivation is needed. So as you write down your short-term goals, think of some rewards or incentives (ones that don't involve food!) that can keep you going and list them one by one, right next to each goal. There's no sense in pushing yourself through that extra set of lunges (the one exercise you just can't learn to love) or ten more minutes of jogging if you're going to reward yourself with more calories than you burned off. Start learning how to pamper yourself in healthy, life-affirming ways that have nothing to do with food. Get a manicure once a month. Go to a movie every week. Treat yourself to some new music to listen to at the gym when you hit a milestone. You get the idea! Make each reward good — and know that it'll be that much more pleasurable because you've worked so hard to earn it.

More rave reviews for The Rites of Passage Workshops!!!

2010-11-24T10:22:00.001-05:00

I have always struggled with guilt and I wanted to find out some of the things that triggered those feelings. By taking this class (the 3 Rites of Passage Workshops) I learned far more than my issues with guilt. I learned about my fears, how to make decisions about my life that make my true self happy, and how to set healthy boundaries. --Jennifer K.

The course is a great way to help identify stumbling places in your life. I learned by pleasing my essential self it will make me truly happy and help me have more understanding and compassion for others. Great job using our personal experiences to make the material understandable. Thank you very much. -- Vicky L.

This has been a great experience and I feel that I learned new methods for self-discovery. My biggest take away is learning what matters to me and how I can achieve relevant goals. After thinking about it for two years, I am finally writing my book. --Beth T.

Next set of workshops will start mid-January. Call or email to secure your place now!!!!

Rites of Passage Series: Excavating Your Essential Self

2010-10-27T09:45:00.002-04:00

These are the outcomes of the first workshop in the upcoming Rites of Passage Series: Excavating Your Essential Self.

1) Understanding essential and social self

2) Identifying blocks to essential self

a) Fears

b) Social pressures

c) Cultural conditioning

3) Giving voice to your essential self

a) Mind

b) Body

c) Spirit

4) Creating harmony between social and essential self

I am really excited about this workshop! There are only 6 spots available, make sure you register to save yours!

Special Fall Pricing, act now!

2010-10-23T09:42:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone, please read carefully lots of Lucent Dreams Fall Deals!

If you act now you can take advantage of Special Pricing just for Fall. There are amazing deals in Photography, Life Coaching, and Intuitive Reading packages!

Photography Specials:

Calendars: There are 4 new calendars this year! Our award winning calendars are a wonderful investment in local art and they also make great gifts. Each image is individually worthy of framing when the year is over too. They are also a great value, 13 pieces of art for just $25! This is less than what each print would cost individually. Amperdoodles (words and images to inspire you), Water Meditations (to calm and relax you), Dandelion's (beautiful macros to brighten your days) and a reprise of A Likeness of Beauty (a beautiful assortment of nature macros).

Portrait Packages: Main package is $150 for a 30 minute sitting fee with two photographers. You are guaranteed at least 25 pictures. We also have a 'small package' deal for $75, we shoot for 20-30 minutes, then edit only the very best 4-6 images and crop them to a variety of sizes. We only shoot outdoors in natural light, downtown water front, many of the parks, people's yards, churches...anywhere special to you. Schedule a November shoot and receive $25 off your package price.

Photography mentoring and workshops: We have a Photography Mentoring Package that works much like the life coaching packages. You choose your goals, for example: learning to use your camera to its (and your) fullest potential, improve family snapshots by becoming aware of composition and lighting, learning how to setup and use a photo-blog (journal) for self healing, get structured feedback to improve your nature shots, whatever YOU want to learn or improve we can help you reach those goals! Call or email for dates and prices.

Group Photography Workshops will also be offered once a month starting in December. Call or email for dates and prices.

Life Coaching Specials:

Fall is the time to hunker down so that you will be in full bloom by Spring. During these busy holiday times, learn to put yourself first, that way there will be a healthier happy you to share with your family and friends.

All three Life Coaching Packages also make great gifts for those you love. Sign up (or purchase a gift package) before November 1st and get the whole 12 week program for $450 (a $900 value)!!!!!

The next set of workshops start in November. Excavating Your Essential Self-- Sun, Nov. 7, 4:00-7:00; Intuitive Decision Making-- Sun, Nov. 14, 4:00-7:00; Friending Your Fears-- Sun, Nov. 21, 4:00-7:00. During November the workshops are $35 apiece or $75 if you pay for all three in advance. Call or email to register, class size limited to 6.

Intuitive Reading Specials: For the week of 10-24 through 10-31 all card readings are ‘buy one, get one free’. With each reading, you will receive a gift certificate to give away (or use yourself) for a reading equal to the one you received. Choose the reading that is perfect for you: from Sandie-- ‘3 card quickies’, ‘30 minute readings’ and ‘full 60 minute reading’: from Kim-- ‘automatic writings’ 20 minute and 40 minute sessions. Call or email to schedule your appointment today!

Sandie will also be doing 15 minute readings at the Spirits Of Light Festival And Psychic Fair on November 27th and 28th from 11am to 5pm. The fair is held at the Hilton Garden Inn, near the Louisville Airport and Kentucky Fairgrounds. Call or email to lock in your time now so that you avoid the long wait the day of the fair.

Peace and Love,

Sandie & Kim

(502) 314-8410

sandie.m.griffin@gmail.com

www.lucentdreams.com

Great article that came in my email today!

2010-10-19T10:28:00.001-04:00

3 Simple and Loving Behaviors
by Dr. Jackie Black

Honor and respect your partner's feelings as if they are your own!

Feelings are the barometer of our outside existential lives. Feelings let us know how things are going for us inside ourselves. They are not good or bad; helpful or not helpful; constructive or not so constructive. Feelings exist because they do, in and of themselves.

We cannot choose to change, modify, not feel, or otherwise positively or negatively impact or affect our feelings. The only choices we have are directly related to our behavior.

Feelings are as normal as hunger and fatigue. When we dismiss, diminish, ridicule, criticize, mock, belittle, disparage or demean anyone's feelings we are acting in the most disrespectful and unloving way.

When your Honey expresses a feeling, consider hearing the feeling as a sacred offering. Be curious and compassionate.

Remember: It is not your job to fix anything. She or he is not broken. Don't get distracted by the content of the event. It isn't necessary to offer insights, suggestions, give answers or otherwise provide brilliant advice or express profound guidance.

Here are 3 Simple and Loving Behaviors to remember and use:

Listen with your heart.
Tell your partner that he or she matters to you and that his or her feelings are important to you.
Ask if there is anything you can do or say right now that would be helpful.

Believe that your presence and your caring go a long way to soothe hurt and upset hearts.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself to stay in the moment with the feeling(s). Trust that the 3 Simple and Loving Behaviors are enough!

Try it and let me know how it goes! Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Dr. Jackie Black is a mentor coach and trainer for Coach Training Alliance and author of the Sage and Scholar's Guide to Coaching Couples .

Finally Breaking the Plateau: my weight story……

2010-10-13T12:08:00.004-04:00

When my mom died in January of 2008 I weighed almost 400 pounds. Seriously, I could not believe it. After her death, my weight actually when up because of depression, stress, and bad food choices. I don’t know an exact number because when I hit 398, I refused to get on the scale again. If I didn’t ‘see’ the number it wasn’t real. From my clothes, my shortness of breath, and catching my occasional reflection I estimate my weight rose to between 415-425 by mid-February of 2008.

At the Shrove Tuesday pancake dinner, a very dear friend told me about a special book that a few of the women at church were going to read and work on together. I needed the companionship as much as anything else, so I agreed to give it a try. I got a copy of the book from another friend that very night. When I first read it, I started feeling hopeful.

When the group started meeting we talked about the book. I was so excited, but I seemed to be the only one in the group who felt how different this weight loss program was. The group only met a few times, most of the woman read the book, but didn’t do all the exercises. They also found it too hard to reward themselves. They didn’t seem to be ready to be comfortable in their own skin and fall in love with themselves.

I didn’t understand it at the time, but I now know that it was my mother’s death that allowed me to see myself very differently. It allowed me the room I needed to explore who I was, what I wanted, and what kind of life I needed to build for myself. If anyone had given me this book before my mom died, I would not have ‘been ready’ to do the hard work and make the changes I needed to make.

From March 2008 to June 2008, I worked on ‘just the mental’ exercises. I learned to fall totally in love with myself. I lost over 50 pounds during this time. It was amazing as I fell in love with me, I looked around and saw I was not living the life I wanted at all. The life I was living had almost killed me. I needed to choose life.

For me, part of choosing life involved falling in love with my best friend. The way she had supported my development and growth was amazing. I could not have made the changes I did without her and both of us were totally shocked and blown away by the intensity of our feelings for each other.

The next step in my journey involved joining Curves. I knew that they were perfect for me. I could never, as I had in the past, ‘push myself’ into injury or sickness even if I went everyday. The other times in my life when I had joined a gym I had taken the attitude if 1- 1½ hours in the gym is good 3 hours must be better. If working out until I am throwing up 3 days a week is good, then 6 days must be better. All that working out was because I hated myself, not because I loved myself. Joining Curves was loving, safe, and perfect for that stage of my journey.

I was at Curves and still learning what loving myself meant from June 2008 to February 2009 when I had a party to celebrate 100 pounds gone forever! At that time I weighed 290. Still a ridiculously high weight, but I was happy, in love with myself, my life and my partner!

Over the next couple of months my weight loss slowed down a lot, but it was still loss. Healthy fat loss while building strong muscles. Then it was discovered I had a hernia that needed to be corrected asap. I knew I could not workout for over 6 weeks after surgery. I was very worried I would gain back all the weight I had lost because that is what had happened in the past.

Not this time. I didn’t gain any weight back at all! After the 6 weeks I started working out again, but that only lasted 2 weeks. The surgery didn’t ‘hold’. The hernia broke through again. I had two surgeons tell me I needed special reconstructive surgery to fix this now very large hernia. They also told me I could not workout until it was fixed.

Due to a lack of health insurance, I have yet to get the surgery. From May of 2009 to September 2010, I stayed focused on getting insurance and NOT being able to workout. In all that time I worried that my weight would balloon up uncontrollably any day. It never did. I had normal healthy fluctuations, but no gain.

Funny thing happened as soon as I truly let go of the fear of my weight ballooning up. I started thinking about ways I could move, what ways I could build muscle, what ways I could start where I am with the limitations of a hernia and PCOS.

I knew I could do some yoga, stretch, walk, swim, and cycle. I knew I really WANTED to swim. Money has been tight so I wasn’t sure how I was going to make a membership to a gym with a pool work, but I still made the decision to do it.

Then I had to tame my fear of putting on a bathing suit in public! I also had to tame my fear of working out with all the ‘pretty jocks’. I had to love myself enough to let go of old stories and write new ones in my head.

I did it! I joined Urban Active in October 2010. Swam for the first time on the 6^th. It felt so right from the first stroke. One week later and 7 pounds lighter, I am so much stronger, mentally and physically. I am taking the actions of someone who is totally in love with herself again. It feels good to have this much power coursing through my veins. I have no limitations except those I set up for myself and I love tearing those down day by day!

And the very best part of my life is that because I am a life coach, I get to help others fall in love with themselves and feel this same way. It is AMAZING!

2010-10-06T11:40:00.002-04:00

So much has been going on here at Lucent Dreams it has been hard to find the time to write about it all. This is just a quick update post. Remember to contact us if we can help you out in any way!

The Life Coaching ‘branch’ is blossoming. I have new weight-loss clients who are very happy and successful. They are averaging over 2 lbs a week loss with no fear of yo-yoing ever again. We have 6 beta testers who are helping us fine tune the workbooks and presentations. I am excited about my work with KCA and ICF both professional organizations are supportive, encouraging and helping me grow as a coach! I currently only have room in my schedule for 5 more weight loss clients. I will also be scheduling more workshops soon, so let me know if you are interested in Win for Life or the Workshop Series.

The Photography ‘branch’ is also doing very well. We had quite a few families participate in the St. Andrew’s fundraiser and/or directory shoots. We have had others take advantage of Fall Portrait Specials. And one of our 2011 Calendars just won an award! We have three different calendars this year to choose from! There is a reprise of Likeness of Beauty, Amperdoodles (the one that won an award), and Dandelions. It is time to start thinking about ordering them in time for Holiday gift giving.

The Intuitive Readings' 'branch' is growing as well. I had a great time at the Spirit of Light Fair and have been reading for individuals and parties more often. I hope to be doing many more fairs in the future. The synergy is amazing and instead of draining me they actually make me feel energized. We are available for card readings, and automatic writings, for individuals and parties.

Hope this update finds you well. Please let us know if we can be of any assistance to you!

Peace,

Sandie & Kim

The Search For the "Real Self"

2010-08-28T12:12:00.002-04:00

In the book I am reading, Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, by Karyl McBride she talks about the research done by James Masterson on finding your 'real self'. I was struck by how succinctly he sums up the key capacities of the 'real self'. His real self is what I have referred to in other posts as your 'essential self.'

It has taken a lot of work for me to be able to say the statements are now true for me, most of the time. Growing up the daughter of an extremely narcissistic mother (and grandmother) had a far greater effect on my psyche than I would have ever guessed.

Even now that ugly question "Will I ever be good enough?" still lingers in the background. Most of the time I can say back to it... "I am good enough right now, because I am me, a child of the Divine." It takes a lot of courage and determination to continue to tell myself I am good enough. I have faith that one day I may even believe it.

Is your essential self guiding your life? How many of these statements are true for you?

1) The capacity to experience a wide range of feelings deeply with liveliness, joy, vigor, excitement, and spontaneity.----NO second guessing if your feelings are 'right', 'normal' or 'acceptable.'

2) The capacity to expect appropriate entitlements. ----You can give yourself credit where credit is due and you can stand up for what you deserve.

3) The capacity for self-activation and assertion. ----You can have dreams and goals and BELIEVE you can achieve them.

4) The acknowledgment of self-esteem. ---- You believe you are worthy and do not need external validation or motivation.

5) The ability to soothe painful feelings. ---- You can comfort yourself and find solutions instead of lashing out or looking for others to solve your problems.

6) The ability to make and stick to commitments. ---- You KNOW that your decisions are right for you and you stick to them through setbacks, criticism and obstacles.

7) Creativity--- Finding solutions to your problem seems easy and is a positive experience.

8) Intimacy---- You can connect with another human being with minimal anxiety about abandonment or engulfment. You can be emotionally vulnerable without fear.

9) The ability to be alone. ---- You have a self to be happily and meaningfully alone with.

10) Continuity of self. ---- You have an inner core that remains the same through trials and tribulations. Your sense of self is constant even if the people and situations surrounding your life change.

If you are struggling with finding your essential or real self, I have amazing life coaching programs that will remove your blocks, and help change the way you see yourself! Email or call me so we can get started!!!!

Lucent Dreams Newsletter

2010-08-24T13:04:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone,

Things are really picking up with Lucent Dreams. All our various branches are coming together into a very strong cohesive whole. The purpose of Lucent Dreams is to change the way you see yourself and the world around you. We do that through Photography, Life Coaching, and Intuitive Readings. Everything we do helps individuals see in a new way, it inspires them to visualize the life they want, and most importantly it helps them remove any blocks to their success! We are constantly humbled, amazed, and blessed as we see our clients achieving their goals and dreams.

If you need a speaker for your special group we are available (for free!)! All our presentations are fun and informative. Everyone walks away with new tools for seeing the world around them and a much lighter heart.

Lucent Dreams Current Specials:
Photography-- There are only a few days left to get the 30 minute family photo shoot for $25. Remember this is a FUNDRAISER for St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church, the entire $25 goes to the building renovation fund. You will receive a cd with 15 of your best shots ready for posting or printing.

Life Coaching-- Currently, we are putting together a weight loss group. If you have more than 50 lbs to lose, want the support of 5-8 others who have 50 plus lbs to lose, and can meet once a week, you need to contact me now. There are only a couple of spots open, so let me know asap if you are interested. The cost for this 12 week group program is only $300. Payment options available for those who need them. If you are still not sure this program is for you, please come to the FREE introduction workshop on Sunday, September 12 at 5:30pm.

Intuitive Readings-- We are scheduling parties now, call or email us to get your party on the calendar! These readings, usually done with Angel Oracle Cards, are proving over and over again to be very valuable to see problems and blocks in new ways. There are forces of energy working around and through us. The Divine and all the Angelic forces are here to help you life out those dreams and passions. Tapping into this energy is a valuable tool for creating the life you want!

We have been so busy working with people that we haven’t had as much time to blog, but here is a great one on Desire.

Do you have a desire? Not a hope, not a wish, but a true pulsating DESIRE that is all consuming. There is no success without it. Desire is to achievement as flame is to fire. You must figure out what you desire to work towards it, grow it, or receive it......read more....

Just respond to this email or call us at (502) 314-8410 to start seeing yourself and your world in a new way! We can help you live the life of your dreams.

Peace,
Kim and Sandie

Self guided Journaling

2010-08-21T16:30:00.002-04:00

I belong to a really cool network call Journal Engine. It is a place where you can journal and let everyone, no one, or just a few friends see what you have written. You can also have coaches comment on your entries if you wish.

Here is my assignment for the week. It is a powerful one and I recommend it for everyone. I have used similar ones with my clients with great results.

What are you doing and what would you rather be doing:

This week you will pay close attention to the way you spend your time. You will reflect on your day and give thought to the quality of the activities that you do, people you spend time with and thoughts that you think. Your ultimate goal is to feel good - are you spending your time the way you want?

Each day this week you will look back on your day and make note of what you did with your time and comment on how satisfied you were with it. If you were particularly satisfied with one part of your day, describe what you were doing and how it made you feel. If there was a part that you were not satisfied with and would have liked to use differently, describe why you were dissatisfied and how you would have preferred to use that time.By monitoring your time, you will gain valuable insight into where you're investing your energy and the overall impact it has on your life.

What are you doing with your time? How much of what you are doing makes you feel bored, or uninspired, or energized and excited? How much of your time are you miserable? How much of what you are doing do you love? What would you rather be doing? Are you doing the things that make you happy? Are you spending your time in situations that are providing you enjoyment? What are you doing when you feel exuberant?

NOTE: This is not an exercise about monitoring your work productivity, but rather an exercise to help you identify some of the things that you would like to eliminate, decrease and/or add to your life.

Desire

2010-08-18T18:57:00.004-04:00

"Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything."--Napoleon Hill

Do you have a desire? Not a hope, not a wish, but a true pulsating DESIRE that is all consuming. There is no success without it. Desire is to achievement as flame is to fire. You must figure out what you desire to work towards it, grow it, or receive it.

We all know what we are 'supposed' to want, but how many of us know what WE really want. According to Napoleon Hill less than 2% of us have a Desire in life, a Definite Purpose that gets us out of bed each day. If we just keep going through the motions and doing what 'everybody' else does, we are just existing. We are not thriving, growing, or living into our unique Best Destiny.

Do you really want more things, bigger things, or flashier things? Or do you need more peace of mind, security, or health? Has it ever occurred to you that there are people who struggle and are miserable with incomes of over a million dollars a year and those who are happy and have everything they need on almost no money at all? Those who are acquiring things when their souls don't want or need things will never be happy.

Finding out what YOU truly desire is the first key to a happy and successful life!

Contact me if you need help teasing out your true desires from all the 'shoulds and oughts' society or your family have placed upon you.

Making Friends with Your Fears!

2010-08-10T08:47:00.002-04:00

You might wonder why I think you should ‘become close friends with your fears.’ I have read so many things about: conquering your fears, containing your fears, suppressing your fears, ignoring your fears, etc, but very few motivators talk about making your fears your friends. The thing is, your fears will ALWAYS be with you. It doesn’t matter how much you challenge yourself, push yourself or ignore your inner voices, you will always experience fear….. and that is not a bad thing!

To be successful, we need to keep fears in perspective. Fears can keep us safe, they can be warnings, and they can be motivators. By becoming friends with our fears we are in control of our thoughts and our actions. We can acknowledge the fear, understand where it is coming from and give it respect. That doesn’t mean we have to ‘do what it says’ or ‘go into a stressed out panic state.’ Just like when our friends tell us they are ‘worried about us’ we have a choice to follow their advice or not. The same is true for our fears, we have a choice to accept or reject the ‘advice’ our fears are trying to give.

There are six universal fears that have made their way into our Western way of thinking: 1) fear of poverty 2) fear of death 3) fear of ill health 4) fear of the loss of love 5) fear of old age 6) fear of criticism. It would be hard to find a person in our society that doesn’t have all six of these fears to one degree or another. What is different with people who are happily successful is that they have made peace with experiencing the fear and then choosing to accept or reject it.

To become friends with your fear, you need to picture it in a physical way. Martha Beck uses the image of a lizard of some sort, because our fears are located in the most primitive part of our brain. A couple of other authors I have read suggest warm fuzzy creatures you would want to cuddle or care for. I picture my fear as a dragon and that works very well for me.

After your fears have a body, a personality, and a way to communicate, it is much easier to friend them. Once you have befriended them you can have an actual conversation with them. It is at that point that you can begin to accept or reject the ‘advice’ the fear is trying to communicate.

Just like with your best friend, you can say to the image of your fear, “Hey, thanks for letting me know about that, but I have it under control and everything is going to be alright.” Or if the advice is good, “Wow, good thinking, thanks for letting me know about that.”

It might be confusing at first, when should you ‘accept’ or act on the advice and when should you ‘reject’ or ignore the advice. Best rule of thumb, “Is there an action you can take in that moment to keep yourself safe?” If there is, take it. If there isn’t just thank your fear and be on merry way.

Fears that have direct actions are the only ones that should be listened to, the rest are just background noise that create stress, distract you from happiness and success, and keep you from really living your life fully.

If you need help learning how to ‘friend your fears’ contact me, I can help.

Create the Synergy to Make Lasing Changes!

2010-08-02T12:40:00.002-04:00

Why hire a life coach? Simple answer: to create the synergy needed to make lasing changes, read on to learn how it works.

In our society we have been taught this ‘do it ourselves’ philosophy that, frankly, isn’t working for most people. It’s not working, because for some reason, wired into our DNA is this need to have ‘two or more gathered together’ with a common vision to make something happen. I have seen this principle in effect over and over again in my life and in my studies of successful people.

I have never been successful at starting something new unless I am working on that project with at least one other person. And all the truly great people I have studied NEVER got great without a team behind them. Sometimes that team is just one other person who believes in her and her vision, and sometimes it is an army of people who share the vision. It doesn’t seem to matter how many as long as at least one other person shares the vision.

“When two or more people ally themselves in a spirit of perfect harmony, for the purpose of attaining a definite end, IF that alliance is faithfully observed by all of whom it is composed, the alliance brings, to each of those of whom it is composed, power that is superhuman and seemingly irresistible in nature.”- Keys to Succeess, Napoleon Hill

That is where a life coach comes in, when you want to make a change, no matter how small, it requires a new vision. The people that surround you now, for the most part, all share the same paradigms and vision of life you that brought you to where you currently are. To make a lasting change you need at least one other person who can see the new paradigm with you. Who will get excited about your new vision? You need someone who has no ego tied up in your changing or even not changing. You need someone who can help you find the hidden ‘blocks’ that keep you stuck where you are doing the same things over and over and just praying for a different result each day.

Some of us are lucky enough to find the right friend at exactly the right time to help us make these life changes, most of the time though it requires someone outside our ‘normal circle’ to expand our minds and help us fall in love with ourselves and our ideas. The special person who will help us flesh our our vision and make it a reality. That is the job of a life coach.

You hire a doctor when you need medical care. You hire a carpenter when you need something built. You hire an accountant when you need financial help. You hire a life coach when you want to ‘tweak’ the life you have or create a totally new life. A life coach can help you find your true career, lose weight, become a leader in your field, be a better parent, etc. What life do you want? Are you brave enough to take the first steps to make that life materialize? I am here waiting to hear from you.

Failure is never permanent!

2010-07-28T09:14:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I posted a quote in my facebook status that said "The power to think as you wish to think is the only power over which you have absolute control." I love that quote and it takes on even more meaning when 'failures' are what we are thinking about. Thinking back on your life, weren't the majority of your 'failures' actually blessings in disguise?

It is possible to shift our thinking so that we process our life like Edison did, "I never failed, I succeeded in finding 10,000 ways that didn't work." I challenge you to read this poem more than once, let it truly sink into your subconscious. If you feel like you are 'failing' at life right now, maybe it is just Nature -- in her way -- choosing you, preparing you, creating you to be a leader and an inspiration. Nature is preparing you for greatness and abundance because you are an amazing beloved child of God.

When Nature wants to drill a man
And thrill a man,
And skill a man,
When Nature wants to mould a man
To play the noblest part;
When she yearns with all her heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall praise--

Watch her method, watch her ways!
How she ruthlessly perfects
Whom she royally elects;
How she hammers him and hurts him
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay which only Nature understands--

While his tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands!--
How she bends, but never breaks,
When his good she undertakes....
How she uses whom she chooses
And with every purpose fuses him,
By every art induces him
To try his splendor out--
Nature knows what she's about.

When Nature wants to take a man
And shake a man
And wake a man;
When Nature wants to make a man
To do the Future's will;
When she tries with all her skill
And she yearns with all her soul
To create him large and whole....
With what cunning she prepares him!

How she goads and never spares him,
How she whets him and she frets him
And in poverty begets him....
How she often disappoints
Whom she sacredly anoints,
With what wisdom she will hide him,
Never minding what betide him
Though his genius sob with slighting and his pride may not forget!
Bids him struggle harder yet.
Makes him lonely
So that only
God's high messages shall reach him
So that she may surely teach him
What the Hierarchy planned.

Though he may not understand
Gives him passions to command--
How remorselessly she spurs him,
With terrific ardor stirs him
When she poignantly prefers him!

When Nature wants to name a man
And fame a man
And tame a man;
When Nature wants to shame a man
To do his heavenly best....
When she tries the highest test
That her reckoning may bring--
When she wants a god or king!--
How she reins him and restrains him
So his body scarce contains him
While she fires him
And inspires him!
Keeps him yearning, ever burning for a tantalising goal--
Lures and lacerates his soul.
Sets a challenge for his spirit,
Draws it higher when he's near it--
Makes a jungle, that he clear it;
Makes a desert, that he fear it
And subdue it if he can--
So doth Nature make a man.

Then, to test his spirit's wrath
Hurls a mountain in his path--
Puts a bitter choice before him
And relentless stands o'er him.
"Climb, or perish!" so she says....
Watch her purpose, watch her ways!

Nature's plan is wondrous kind
Could we understand her mind ...
Fools are they who call her blind.
When his feet are torn and bleeding
Yet his spirit mounts unheeding,
All his higher powers speeding
Blazing newer paths and fine;
When the force that is divine
Leaps to challenge every failure and his ardor still is sweet
And love and hope are burning in the presence of defeat....

Lo, the crisis! Lo, the shout
That must call the leader out.
When the people need salvation
Doth he come to lead the nation....
Then doth Nature show her plan
When the world has found--a man!

Angela Morgan

The Success Puzzle Revisited

2010-07-26T11:13:00.001-04:00

The Success Puzzle is a program on tape by Bob Proctor. I went though the whole program about 12 years ago, that led to the idea and formation of the Ross Griffin Resource Center. Exactly two years ago, Kim and I committed to using the program for 90 days, it helped us clarify what we wanted and changed our lives completely!

Well, now it is time for a new boost of awareness. I am ready to materialize a new way to receive a larger income, I need to feel more useful, and I know it will help me to find a way to inspire others with my passion for living into personal best destinies!

Bob Procter and Napoleon Hill will never know how much they have shaped my life and my belief in my abilities to change my life. Because of them, I truly believe each of us is able to create in our imagination and then make manifest in this reality the life we want and feel we deserve. Kim, my former students, my clients and myself are all living proof it can be done. You can live the life that brings you physical health, peace of mind and an abundance of joy each and everyday.

One of the most powerful quotes from the program is: "The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." It reminds me I need to alter my attitude in small doses and start choosing to see things in a positive light, looking for the opportunities in the situations I used to avoid.

When you understand how the subconscious mind works you begin to see how important choosing your thoughts is. Babies accept all ideas, they lack the ability to reject an idea, adults, however, have the ability to reason and consciously accept or reject thoughts. That means just because someone tells you something, you don't have to believe it or accept it as fact. You can choose to accept or reject any idea, fear, or limiting belief.

If we want to change, we need to change these three things:

1) Conditions- do something old in a new way, journal in the bathtub, eat dinner in bed, read outside; it doesn't matter what you change. Making even one change in your 'old habits' will trigger new thoughts.

2) Circumstances- smile more, create a gratitude list that you add to everyday, look for ways to help others; you never know when those little moments will change your life.

3) Environment- declutter one shelf, add a piece of art to your life, make-over a room, give away the 80% of your clothes that you don't wear anyway; make room for the new and it will come!

When we do these things it will change our Results. Suddenly, without much warning, we will be living the life we want, we will have created and made manifest that which brings us joy.

The only thing that can grow is that which you give energy to. I am committed to giving energy to the vision of my Best Destiny. I hope you join me.

Circadian Rhythms, how they can help you make changes!

2010-07-21T14:07:00.006-04:00

What do you actually do with your time? What do you WANT to do with your time?

Do you want to workout, do you want to play more, create more, work more, sleep more, or study more? Do you believe there are not enough hours in the day? Honestly, there are more than enough hours to live the life you want. All it requires is that you map your circadian rhythms and make tiny changes.

A circadian rhythm is a roughly 24-hour cycle in the biochemical, physiological, or behavioral processes of living entities. The term "circadian" comes from the Latin, circa meaning “around", and diem or dies, "day", meaning literally "approximately one day".

To make even the tiniest of changes last you need to understand your personal circadian rhythm. The way you do that is to draw a circle and map your day around it. Since most of us do different things each day, it takes doing this exercise for 4-7 days in a row to see the true patterns appear.

This is just a made up example, but as you can see ‘this person’ is naturally a night owl, trying to change that would require fighting her natural rhythm. Finding your rhythms is about figuring out what you do during the day that truly brings you joy and what you do just to ‘fill time’. Mapping your day is a very useful tool, to helping you do that. You can see at a glance where you can make tiny changes that really support a healthy, happy life.

2010-07-20T15:35:00.001-04:00

Hi everyone,

Life has been busy this summer! At Lucent Dreams, we have been learning lots of good information, developing workshops and materials to make the photography and life coaching more valuable and accessible to you!

On the blog recently, I have talked about ‘The Laws of Increasing Returns’. You can increase the abundance in your life by ‘giving away’ an hour a day! How Playing Revives your Soul, increasing your happiness, energy and creativity. And why it is so very, very important to teach yourself to take Risks! There is even a guest post by Kim, Make Love Not War .

We have defined the Life Coaching Packages a bit to make it easier to get the amount of coaching you need:

For the person who is ready to get serious about their life and make lasting changes we have, The Transitions Power Package. It is a 12 week program that includes 12 hours of one-on-one coaching (phone or in person), personalized assignments to aid in reaching your goals, ongoing email support, 3 intuitive card readings, 3 small group workshops (with workbooks), and a personal success journal.

For families and friends who want to support each other and make similar changes we have, The Companion Circles. They are small groups, often comprised of family or friends, that meet once a week for 12 weeks. The individuals in the group have similar, but not exact, goals: major life changes, divorce, weight loss, general health, business development, etc. Those in the group also receive individual email support and 3 one-to-one coaching sessions during the 12 weeks. Each Companion Circle has between 5-10 members.

If you are a self-starter, or do-it-yourself-er, the three Rites of Passage Workshops will give you the foundational information to move your life in the direction you want. These workshops (Excavating your Essential Self, Intuitive Decision Making, Friending Your Fears), are offered once a month and may be taken in any order. Those who attend the workshops get workbooks and email support for 12 weeks. If you register and pay for all three workshops in advance you will receive a 15% discount.

On the Photography front, we announced the opening of our online gallery! www.lucent-dreams-photography.com

We are also fundraising for St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church Louisville. For a donation of just $25, you will receive a 30 minute shoot for you (and as many of your family members, pets and kids, as you can gather) at Big Rock, and a CD with 15 of the best shots! Email or call to schedule a time in the morning or evening for the prettiest light. Here are examples of our portrait work.

Please keep in mind:

If you belong to any organization that uses outside speakers, please contact me. Kim or I would love to come talk to your group about Photography or Living into your Best Destiny!

Personal Angel Readings and Angel Reading Parties: Angel reading are fun, entertaining, enlightening and always helpful!!!!! Contact me so we can say a date for you!

Because we want this to be helpful to you, we would love feedback on the newsletter and please feel free to ask questions that we will answer in the next installment.

If you don't want to be on the mailing list please just let me know and I will remove you.

Thanks,
Sandie & Kim
Lucent Dreams, changing the way you see yourself and your world

Law of Increasing Returns

2010-07-19T19:38:00.000-04:00

“A single hour devoted each day to rendering service for which we are not paid, can be made to yield bigger returns than we received from the entire remainder of the day during which we are merely performing our duty”—Napoleon Hill, Laws of Success

As many know my partner, Kim, broke her kneecap six weeks ago. At first, she was in high spirits looking at this as an opportunity to work on other projects and rest her body a little (her job is very physically demanding and she does it while most of us are still sound asleep). However, as days turned into weeks, what she couldn’t do became so obvious that it was all she could think about. Her spirits started flagging, the opportunity to work on her other projects depressed her. Days were slipping by, causing more depression and more focus on ‘I can’t do this or that’.

Honestly, I was getting worried, I had seen this cycle before. Depression is ugly, feeling like you can’t DO anything about it is even worse. Fighting the urge to just take the pain meds to make it all go away gets harder every day. It was hard for me to remain calm and supportive, not giving into the ‘poor me, I can’t do anything’ state of mind Kim was in. I was beginning to fight my own depression.

Along comes a funny, tiny, orange kitten. This little guy was abandoned on the porch just below us. All he needed was a home, some love, and someone to play with. Instantly, Kim fell in love and became aware of one thing she could do. We have now had this little guy for 17 days. The change in Kim (and the family) has been dramatic.

Once Kim found one thing she ‘could do’ for someone else, she started noticing all the little things she could do for herself and the family. She started putting energy into our home, our business, our relationship, as well as our family and friends. Before the kitten, she was ‘getting by’; making herself do little bits here and there. When you operate in ‘getting by’ mode you can never ‘get ahead’, because you will always be playing catch up.

All the self-worth she was getting from ‘going to work for another company’ she started finding in ‘going to work on our businesses.’ All the external validation she was craving, she started to find within herself. She was no longer in ‘getting by’ mode, but it full out ‘get it done’ with energy and love mode.

By selflessly rendering a service to this tiny helpless kitten, Kim was repaid over and over again in ways that cannot be measured in mere dollars. Her life (our lives) all became abundantly richer when she decided there was something she could do, even if she would never receive ‘money’ for it.

That is what the ‘Law of Increasing Returns’ is all about. Do for others first and you will receive back way more than you could ever give! A farmer sows one seed and reaps a plant full of fruit and even more seeds! It is the way the Universe works. Look around; whom can you help (with no expectation of compensation)? I challenge you to do it for at least 30 days … and at the end of the month, your life will be bigger, fuller, and more abundant than ever.

Changing Your Thoughts

2010-07-17T20:58:00.002-04:00

As I learn more and more about life coaching, truly remarkable coaches keep crossing my path. One of those amazing coaches is Bryon Katie. I have been using exercises designed by her for a while now and want to share one of the most powerful ones for dealing with recurring negative thoughts.

What would you say is the thought that is causing you the most stress right now? Is it your weight, your health in general, your career, your kids, your spouse? Whatever it is write it down in as simple and clear a sentence as possible, for example: I am too fat. My health is fading fast. My job is going no where. My kids are driving me crazy. I don’t think my spouse values me.

Then ask yourself “Is it true?” Just answer yes or no from your gut... is it true....

“Can you know for certain it is true?”

Can you think of at least one reason... no matter how far fetched that it might not be true? For example, I am too fat--- if there were a sudden world wide famine or plague, I would be able to survive and help others. My health is fading fast--- I can still take care of myself and do things for others. My job is going no where--- a stranger is going to come into work and I will be in the right place at the right time to help them and receive a much deserved promotion. My kids are driving me crazy--- actually just today they did something funny that had me laughing and raised my spirits. I don’t think my spouse values me-- if I look, there are tiny signs that s/he values me by providing, financial support, helping with chores, sharing parenting responsibilities, etc....

“How does that thought make you feel?”

Most of the time these thoughts make us feel belittled, useless, unworthy, sad, angry, frustrated, helpless, victimized.... Funny thing is WE are doing those things to ourselves! We are taking away our own power, we are making ourselves feel like crap. It is not going to motivate you to lose weight if you believe “I am too fat.” It will not help your health to believe you are already “too sick to do anything about it.” There is no way to get a career that reflects what you want if you feel stuck in a dead in job because you won’t be looking for opportunities. Everything your kids do will drive you crazy if that is what you are constantly saying to yourself and others. Your spouse will not value you, if you don’t expect them to or if you don’t value yourself.

“Who would you be without that thought?”

It is very difficult to give up the thoughts because we have convinced ourselves they are true. Suspend your disbelief for just a few minutes to live in a reality where that thought is not true! Now how do you feel? Can you give up the thought that is causing you stress? Can you feel the power that give you? Can you feel the stress leave your body? Now give serious thought to “Who am I without that thought?”

You are an amazing child of the Divine. You are endowed with creative gifts, the greatest is the ability to change your reality. First you envision a ‘new way’ of thinking and being, which will cause you to feel differently, then you will act differently, which will create the life you want. It will happen before you know it!

Why take risks?

2010-07-14T10:44:00.003-04:00

When I am coaching clients, I have found it is very important to stress to them how important it is to take risks. Taking risks breaks us free of old patterns of thought. Risks challenge us to look at the world in a new way. Risks teach us that the world really isn't as scary a place as we once thought. Taking risks teaches us we are stronger and more resourceful than we have lead ourselves to believe. The only way to make lasting changes is to begin taking risks.

The accepted definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Pushing yourself and learning to take risks is the opposite of insanity. It is probably the healthiest and most sane thing you can do. Risks lead to self-confidence and self-reliance.

Everyone has different levels of 'risk comfort.' To some people jumping off the side of a mountain with just a hand parachute barely creates rise on their risk meter, to others just walking out of the house makes their risk meters jump off the charts. Most of us fall somewhere in between these extremes. Each of us could benefit from assessing our risk comfort levels then pushing past them in tiny ways each day.

Choosing to do just ONE thing that 'feels' a little risky each day will help you transform your life in a very short time.

Make Love Not War

2010-07-12T18:53:00.006-04:00

This is Kim, Sandie's partner. I'm guest blogging today. As a life coach, Sandie has talked so much about fear, and its ability to block our success and happiness. I have always appreciated and understood this concept -- even growing leaps and bounds in letting go of fear and worry.

But today, a concept I thought I already understood hit me like a kick in the gut. It's not just our own fears that we have to deal with, but the negativity that fear produces all around us.

If we say that love is a positive energy force with a nature to be shared and spread and expanded, we all nod and agree like drinking birds. We often equate that force with god and the spirit of god. If we tap into that force, it not only affects us, but also those around us, and possibly even rippling into the world at large having effects that we can never know.

Well, the same properties are true of fear. It too is an energy force with a nature to be shared and spread and expanded. If we personify fear, we might say it has an ego need to dominate. If we take it as the opposite of love then it is easy to see fear as the devil, competing with god as love for the territory of the universe.

In the war between love and fear, I want to be on the side of love.

Seeing it this way makes it easier for me to stay in a place of love and avoid spreading fear. Since fear is a negative energy, I think any other negative energy fosters a climate for fear to grow; complaining, worrying, gossiping, and all those other negative-ings, make a ripe environment for fear to take hold and spread.

Love, and all other positive forms of energy, has the same nature to spread and grow from person to person, family to family, community to community, nation to nation, and so on. But love has a very different impact from fear. It expands thinking and dreaming and believing and right action. Fear contracts our hearts and our minds, making us self-protective and insular.

Here are some practical, everyday things that I do, to "stay in love":

- I say daily, positive, affirmations of who I am and who I want to be
- I refrain from participation in negative self or group talk
- I listen to others' complaints with compassion, but try not to offer any of my own in return
- I set firm, healthy boundaries with negative people; even minimal contact where necessary
- I make sure to play and create and do the things that bring me joy -- another positive energy that is contagious
- I assume the best until I know, for sure, otherwise
- I assure myself, constantly, that "everything is as it should be"
- I set aside worry, assuring myself that when there is action to be taken I will know what to do.

xoxo,

Kim

Playing, it revives the Soul!

2010-07-01T16:05:00.006-04:00

Summer is often seen as playtime for kids and adults. Taking time to play is one of the best things you can do for yourself. When you play you don't get hung-up on the 'outcome', you just dive in enjoying the process for the fun of it. Pure joy is what breathes new life into your soul and helps you look at old challenges in new ways.

I had expected to be camping quite a bit this summer as part of my playtime. However, that wasn't in the cards. It seemed that Life Itself was blocking me from making that happen. This spring was the 'big move' from the studio apartment to the two bedroom, making room for Jenna and more at home business. Then, just as we got fully settled in the new place, Kim fell and broke her knee cap... going camping is not conducive to healing a broken knee.

That is where painting came in to the picture. I love to paint even though I am not very good at it. It is all about the process, just like playing, I don't have to get hung up on whether it is good or not and I get to laugh when it is especially bad. It is not camping, photographing, grilling, or traveling, but it is a mini-vacation for my conscious mind. It helps me get lost in a world of my own; which relieves a lot of daily stresses.

Now as June suddenly turned into July, I see myself having to work even more than before. As I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and depressed, I am reminded to PLAY. I wanted to argue with myself, but I know deep down it is true, I am not going to get productive inspired work accomplished unless I play and Kim is not going to be able to use this mandatory time 'off' in a productive way unless she plays. So, we play, we work better and more efficiently and we play!

I encourage you to play, thing of something you did that brought you pure joy as a child and just do it. It doesn't matter how small or how silly, just do it!! You will experience positive results in all areas of your life right away, if you just take time to play!

Another Happy Client!

2010-06-28T11:50:00.001-04:00

After 17 years of helping others, and getting close to burnout, I was ready for a change in my life. My Life Path of helping others was still important to me, but I had let outside interference allow chaos to come into my life, and had stopped helping myself.

I met Sandie by chance, and am thankful everyday for our meeting. In our life coaching journey, Sandie gave me tools for working my life's plan. With "turtle steps" I was able to see the big picture broken down into smaller pieces.

Honestly, I was a bit skeptical at first. How could a life coach help me? My work was doing the very thing Sandie was offering to me. I didn't need "coaching," I thought, what I wanted was answers on how to put things back in order.

Within 3 weeks, in the 12-week program, I was on the road to change. Sandie helped me create a plan that allowed time for me, time for my family, and time for my work. Many months later I'm still using the techniques Sandie taught me.

I highly recommend Sandie Griffin as a Life Coach. Give it a try - you will be so happy you did!

Kim Upton, Hillybilly Mystic and Wisewoman

Weight Loss Success Stories

2010-06-18T22:27:00.003-04:00

My Win For Life program, based on Martha Beck's book The Four Day Win, is proving to be more successful everyday! When you can find your place of Thinner Peace, your brain changes, as well as your body, and the result is that weight loss happens without backlash or resistance.

Just by changing the way they are thinking, I have new clients who are losing weight in a very healthy way. I have a young woman who has lost almost 20 lbs in the last 8 weeks. I have an older woman who has lost 12 lbs in just 5 weeks. These results mirror the clients I have had over the last 2 years who have lost and kept the weight off. My past clients have lost 50-100 lbs, pounds that are gone for good!

Personally, I have lost almost 150lbs by using the Win For Life program. I had hit a plateau over the last year. I had not gained any of the weight back, but I had not lost more either. Because of the success of my new clients, I decided to start the program over from scratch on June 1st.

I am treating myself like a 'new client' and low and behold the weight is dropping again! I have lost 8 lbs in the last 18 days. So far I have not changed the way I am eating or moving, I have only changed the way I am thinking about myself. It amazes me every time!!!!

Win For Life WORKS!!!!! Contact me to find out how you can finally succeed at weight loss too!

Weekly Newsletter

2010-06-15T12:09:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone,

Here is this week's update newsletter.

Please keep in mind:

If you belong to any organization that uses outside speakers, please contact me. I would love to come talk to your group.

Things have really been turned upside down around here this week! On Wednesday night Kim fell and broke her patella. While keeping her sitting still is VERY challenging, we have been seeing the positive side. We are choosing to believe that the Universe has given her this time to focus on our businesses and her new passion for web design. If you haven't checked out the improvements to my website please do! Since she is 'just practicing' if anyone has a small project they would like to see turned into a webpage, let us know.

I still have spaces open for new clients, summer with its more relaxed atmosphere is a great time wot focus on yourself. Now is the time to really ask yourself.....Do you need a Life Coach?.... answer these questions and then contact me to help design a program for your success!

Coaching opportunities: I have group programs ready to go in addition to personal life coaching sessions!!!!

Summer is here and even more people have been asking me about Win For Life. They want to know if the program will work for them. It will work if you are ready to change. It will work if you are ready to love yourself. It will work if you are successful in most areas of your life. It will work if you have gained and lost weight in the past and are now tired of the yo-yo effect caused by dieting. If you are brave enough to go through this program you will be comfortable in your own skin, easily shed the extra pounds, and truly love yourself!

On the other hand The Turning Points 12 week program is for people in transition. It is designed to help make fear your friend. Fear is a natural response to change. When we avoid the feelings of fear, we get nowhere fast. When you are ready to name your fears and get passed them, contact me about designing a program specifically for you.

Last Saturday was the first official workshop (Intuitive Decision Making) I have given as a Life Coach, I have given many educational and theological workshops in the past, even so I was a bit nervous giving one as a Life Coach. It was so much fun!!! The five generous souls who attended were most supportive and got a lot out of it. Giving the workshop inspired Kim and I to create a workbook for future workshop attendees.

My next workshop is titled Excavating Your Essential Self and will be offered July 10th. Stay tuned for more details and check out the new calendar for all my upcoming workshops and engagements.

Have you dusted off the camera to capture all beauty around you!?! Do you ever wish your photo matched closer to what you saw? Well then, attend the workshop being offered by Kim Torres (Lucent Dreams Photography) on June 26th.
Digital Photography: Capturing Nature’s Interiority
Capturing nature’s inherent beauty – maybe even its message to us – is not a trivial task. The way we perceive, using our eyes and mind, even our souls, is far more sophisticated a process than our digital cameras can manage.

But there are things you can do to improve your chances of capturing the sublime images we see in nature.

This workshop will give you an artistic approach to digital photography that will allow you to connect and capture elements of nature with images that better represent what you saw and felt when you captured them. You will learn tips and techniques for seeing, composing and editing your shots. Most of all, you will be encouraged to embrace the process of connecting with nature in a new way. Click here for more details!

Personal Angel Readings and Angel Reading Parties: Angel reading are fun, entertaining, enlightening and always helpful!!!!! Contact me so we can say a date for you!

Because I want this to be helpful to you, I would love feedback on the newsletter and please feel free to ask questions that I will answer in the next installment. If you don't want to be on the weekly mailing list please just let me know and I will remove you.

Thanks,
Sandie

Newsletter!

2010-06-07T11:15:00.003-04:00

Hi everyone,

If you are not getting the newsletter through email, but would like to, please let me know and I will add you to the email list today!

Here is this week's update newsletter.
Do you need a Life Coach?.... answer these questions and then contact me to help design a program for your success!

The Intuitive Decision Making Workshop is THIS SATURDAY!!!! I know it will be an amazing experience for all who attend. You will be able to make quick decisions that are in alignment with your best destiny. All successful people are able to make valuable decision very quickly. Join us in learning how you can develop you decision making muscles. Contact me if you would like more information or would like to sign up.

This week Fear has been a big topic around here. Do you ever feel things are "too hard" or "too scary"? If so you are not alone, most people don't reach their goals because of fear. Successful people face the same fears, often those fears are even more intense than the average person, however the successful person has learned to tame his fears. In this post I talk about the most common fears that keep people from their best destinies.

Upcoming speaking engagements: I will be conducting a workshop at the Sister Spiral Retreat Center on June 12th, "Intuitive Decision Making."

~Make quick, healthy decisions in alignment with your best destiny,
~Understand the decision making process,
~Tune in to your body’s built in signals as a road map to your right decisions,
~Trust your essential self and recognize when your social self is trying to squelch her, and
~”Own” your decisions by sticking to them!

Loving the life you live starts with taking charge of your own choices! Claim the power!

June 12, 2010 from 10am to 3pm. Lunch will be provided. Cost: $75, discounts available if paid in advance.

Kim Torres (Lucent Dreams Photography) will also be doing a Photography Workshop on June 26th.
Digital Photography: Capturing Nature’s Interiority
How many times have you uploaded your photos only to be disappointed and frustrated with your results? That flower was so stunning, so captivating, when you stood in its presence. How could its beauty not be adequately contained in the pixels before you on the screen?

Capturing nature’s inherent beauty – maybe even its message to us – is not a trivial task. The way we perceive, using our eyes and mind, even our souls, is far more sophisticated a process than our digital cameras can manage.

But there are things you can do to improve your chances of capturing the sublime images we see in nature.

This workshop will give you an artistic approach to digital photography that will allow you to connect and capture elements of nature with images that better represent what you saw and felt when you captured them. You will learn tips and techniques for seeing, composing and editing your shots. Most of all, you will be encouraged to embrace the process of connecting with nature in a new way. Click here for more details!

If you belong to any organization that uses outside speakers, please contact me. I would love to come talk to your group!

Coaching opportunities: I have group programs ready to go in addition to personal life coaching sessions!!!!

People have been asking me about Win For Life. They want to know why it is a different kind of weight loss program and why it works for a lifetime when most others give only short term results at best. The answer is that Win For Life is about changing from a caterpillar to a butterfly, not just becoming a skinny caterpillar. If you are brave enough to go through this program you will be comfortable in your own skin, easily shed the extra pounds, and truly love yourself!

On the other hand The Turning Points 12 week program is for people in transition. It is designed to help make fear your friend. Fear is a natural response to change. When we avoid the feelings of fear, we get nowhere fast. When you are ready to name your fears and get passed them, contact me about designing a program specifically for you.

Personal Angel Readings and Angel Reading Parties: Angel readings are fun, entertaining, enlightening and always helpful!!!!! Contact me so we can say a date for you!

Because I want this to be helpful to you, I would love feedback on the newsletter and please feel free to ask questions that I will answer in the next installment.

Thanks,
Sandie

Successful people tame fears

2010-06-06T07:43:00.001-04:00

There are many definitions of SUCCESS. The two I use most often are very similar in meaning, but because they are worded differently they inspire me in different ways. The first is “Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal.” And the other is “Success is the development of the power with which to get whatever one wants in life without interfering with the rights of others.”

Both are about getting what we want out of life. One, however, reminds me that what I want should be worthy of me and the other reminds me that there are other people in the world and they have rights too. It is important to realize we were created by the Divine to live amazing lives full of grace, love, adventure, romance and abundance. We can only do that in community with others. By living in harmony with those around us our world is much bigger, brighter and more hopeful.

The only thing that gets in the way of success is fear. As I have said before, all fears can be broken down into a feeling of lack or a feeling of attack. There are six universal fears that have made there way into our Western way of thinking: 1) fear of poverty 2) fear of death 3) fear of ill health 4) fear of the loss of love 5) fear of old age 6) fear of criticism. To be truly successful, we need to keep these fears in perspective. They will always be with us, but they don’t have to rule our thoughts and actions.

When we are able to acknowledge our fears, honestly and transparently, we give ourselves the opportunity to realize they are not relevant to our success and move forward. Many of the most successful people though out the history of the world have tamed these fears and acted in spite of them.

What are you afraid of? Write it down, tell it to someone, do something to acknowledge its place in your life. After all, fear is just your rational mind trying to protect you. Say thank you to your fear and move on toward getting what you most want.

Is your world ending or beginning?

2010-05-29T10:52:00.003-04:00

Photo by Lucent Dreams Photography
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly" ~ Richard Bach

There is nothing wrong with being a caterpillar; as a matter of fact the caterpillar stage is necessary before becoming a butterfly. Butterflies have four distinct states of being. The egg, the caterpillar, and the chrysalis are all critical stages that come BEFORE the butterfly can be a butterfly. The butterfly only goes through these stages once, but we go through these stages many, many times.

We are in the ‘egg stage’ every time we find ourselves in a time of ‘new birth,’ it might be a change we wanted or a change that was ‘forced upon us.’ We are in the caterpillar stage when we are ravenously gathering information and trying new skills, exploring the world through all our senses. These two stages aren’t too scary. They don’t require too much of us, however the next stage requires everything!

To finish the process it is necessary for us to enter the chrysalis stage, here we need to dissolve, completely deconstruct everything we thought we were and reassemble it in a totally new way. That deconstruction and reconstruction is often painful and confusing. It feels like our world is ending, because our old world is, our old views, old friends, our old habits, often even our bodies are dissolving right before our eyes. We can’t see the butterfly that is trying to form so we often fight the process instead of relaxing and let nature take its course, trusting that if we just take the next step, everything will work out beautifully.

Even when we are reformed, the hard work is not over. We must break through the walls that were protecting us. No one can help us. If we don’t break through ourselves, we will be too weak to fly. It is the struggle of breaking free that pumps the blood and builds the muscles that make flight possible. Only then can a young butterfly take flight, soaring above and around everything a totally new creature!

If you are trying to change your life, remember the stages of the butterfly. Are you in the birth stage, the gathering stage, the deconstruction-reconstruction stage, or the breaking free stage? Which ever stage you are in remember, trust and do the next thing and soon you will be that young butterfly flying free!

If you ever fee stuck, remember life coaching can help move you more clearing and efficiently though the stages.

No Tension: Relax, let go and trust that the universe will take care of you and support you.

2010-05-24T09:02:00.003-04:00

So far I have written about INTENTION, focusing your ATTENTION, and now it is time to let go of all the TENSION. I think this step is the hardest of the three. It is relatively easy to form an intention to do or have something. It is just a little harder to change your attention to stay present to positive words and actions. For me it is very hard to just relax and let go of trying to force the Universe to give it to me now!

We have all heard the old sayings “in good time, in God’s time, when you’re ready, etc” there is real wisdom there. Our heart’s desires will be brought to us when we are open and ready for them. When we rush, push and try and force the world to work on our timeline, we miss the richness of what is brought to us today.

We have a tendency to ‘wish’ our lives away. “My life will be perfect when….. I lose the weight, get the money, have the time, feel better about myself…….” When we relax and let God, we learn to truly appreciate the amazing gifts we are given each day. When we relax and let the Universe work, we are blessed each day by having the needs of that day met in miraculous ways. When we relax and let go, we see the connections and interconnections of all.

Write your INTENTIONS down, pay close to keep your ATTENTION positive each day in your speech and actions, and release the TENSION by keeping a written gratitude list each day. You will be surprise by how fast those intentions become real when you are grateful for what you already have.

Speak in positive terms, visualize in positive ways!

2010-05-19T09:31:00.001-04:00

Attention: Align your thoughts, words, feelings and actions with that intention. Speak in positive terms, visualize in positive ways!

After you have decided what it is you want and formed your intention, it is time to focus your ATTENTION. Focusing your attention means aligning your thoughts, words, feelings and actions with your intention. It means stopping all negative energy as soon as you become aware of it.

For example, if it is your intention to live a healthier lifestyle, you shift your thinking to “I am living a healthier lifestyle.” By changing the thought to present you align your thoughts currently with your intention. When you speak about your intention, it should also be in present positive words, “I am losing excess weight each day, I am choosing one extra serving of greens each day, I am moving a little more each day…etc.” Your body and the universe will align to make these things happen as soon as you speak them aloud. As you speak in the present positive tense, your feelings will change. As you stop thinking “I wish I were living a healthier lifestyle,” to “I am living a healthier lifestyle,” you will feel respect for yourself, you will feel love for yourself, you will feel empowered to keep making tiny changes in your daily actions until one morning you will wake up and realize you are happier, healthier, have more energy and totally in love with life.

People throughout all cultures and religions have called this focusing of intention, prayer or meditation. It doesn’t matter whether you are Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Wiccan or Pagan, INTENTION combined with positive ATTENTION to thoughts, words, feelings and actions make things happen. Whether through prayer or meditation or ritual, you can co-create with the Divine the exact life you want to live.

Intention

2010-05-15T08:38:00.002-04:00

Intention: Be clear on what change it is that you want to make.

What do you want? It is the eternal question that the older we get the harder it is to answer. What do you really want? What life do you want to live, what things do you want to have, what changes do you want to make? All of these 'wants' need to be broken down before we can answer that seemingly ‘simple’ question “What do you want?”

Recently, I have noticed that wants often come in layers too. Short-term wants and long-term wants can sometimes compete and seem at odds. For example, you want to stay in your warm bed, and you also want the money you will receive if you get your butt out of that bed and get to work. Which ‘want’ wins out?

Another common ‘want’ is to lose weight, but when people are confronted with ‘forbidden’ foods they want them now and in large quantities. That is where knowing and being committed to the long-term want is so important. When your long-term want is part of who you are, the short term wants can be evaluated to see if they bring you closer to that long-term want or farther away from it.

Decide what you truly want, hold it in your mind’s eye and evaluate your tiny daily actions to see if you are headed in that direction.

Guest poster today

2010-05-12T07:58:00.003-04:00

********* It is because there is SO MUCH information out there, and because each person is an individual, that using a life coach through the initial 12 weeks of weight loss makes lasting changes that are right for you. Email me when you are ready to make the changes that will change the way you feel about food and your body forever!!!!!! ****************

Nutritious Coaching
by Jonny Bowden, PhD, CN, CNS

With an ever increasing number of clients having weight loss and improved fitness as a goal, a huge opportunity exists for coaches in the field of health. But to best take advantage of this opportunity, do we really need to know a lot about the science of nutrition?

Actually, the answer is yes and no.

Yes, because understanding the basics of nutrition gives you a huge advantage when coaching clients in the business of weight loss. There's a tremendous amount of misinformation and myth in the popular dialogue about diet and health. Your client's commitment to “nutritious eating and exercise” is only one part of the equation. And it's hard to be effective if your client (and you) share working definitions of “nutritious eating” and productive exercise that are not very likely to produce results.

No, because you can actually accomplish a lot with your weight loss client --even if you don't know a lot of the background science-- if you understand one basic truth: No one diet is right for everyone. We are all biochemically and metabolically unique. Some people absolutely thrive on a higher-protein higher-fat diet like Atkins, while others do poorly. And while many people do OK on vegetarian fare, others crash and burn.

There's no “perfect” diet for weight loss; there's only a perfect match between program and person.

By understanding that there is no such thing as dietary “truth,” you do a great service to your weight loss client. And by asking the right questions and knowing that there are different answers for different people --even in nutrition-- you can make a huge difference in your client’s ability to stay “on purpose” and get results.

Dr. Jonny Bowden is Associate Editor of Total Health magazine, the author of "Living the Low Carb Life" and developer of The Sage and Scholar's Guide to Weight Loss Coaching.

Please forward this article to a friend.

"Yes, but...." is it getting in the way of your Best Destiny?

2010-05-10T09:06:00.000-04:00

“Yes, But…..” how many times a day do you say or hear that phrase? How many times does it sound like an excuse when coming from someone else, but reality when we say it? Well, ‘yes, but’ was the topic of this week’s Sunday School Class discussion.

We have all been give dreams, goals, and passions by God. We all let our fears, insecurities, laziness and worldly distractions get in the way. Every time we say ‘yes, but’ to an idea that moves us closer to the life we were intended to live, we are getting in the way of our best destiny.

The exercise we did to get rid of our ‘yes, buts’ comes from Steering by Starlight, by Martha Beck and goes like this: I want XYZ, but I can’t do or have it because of ABC. This is pattern of the lies we tell ourselves. However, if we shift our words to say: My brain believes I can’t have XYZ, because of ABC, but my essential self knows that is not the problem, my belief about ABC is the problem. If I did not believe ABC here are the three things I would do first on my quest for XYZ.

It sounds complicated, but it really isn’t. The class had quite a few great examples of what they wanted, but thought they couldn’t do: running a six- minute mile, getting a horse moved cross country, spending more time in the park (outdoors), going to St. Francis Highschool and taking up horse riding lessons again were just a few. After doing the exercise they realized the only limitations they had for reaching those goals were being imposed on them by themselves.

It was funny to them how everyone else’s “yes, but” sounded silly to them at first and they could think of millions of reasons why that thought wasn’t true, but when it came to their “yes, but” it sounded ‘so impossible’ to overcome. It was by bouncing the ideas around the group that they really understood the power of letting go of their ‘yes, but’ and actually brainstorming a fully committed ‘yes, I can.’

When asked where God fit into all this, their answers varied from no where to God is the one who breaks through the ‘but’ part of the belief. Most believed that once we got out of our own way, it was God who inspired the brainstorming and opened the doors we were now ready see. Often doors are already open, we just have to be open to seeing them and brave enough to walk through them.

Which “yes, but…” is holding you back, and what are you going to do to break through to the freedom God truly wants you to experience?

We HAVE emotions, we are NOT our emotions.

2010-05-07T06:50:00.002-04:00

We HAVE emotions, we are NOT our emotions.

I heard this statement a few days ago during a conference I was listening to about empowering Women. It has really stuck with me and wormed its way into my subconscious. Over the last couple weeks everywhere I turn there is another article about how ‘self-talk’ or the words we say each day impact the outcome of our days and our lives. The way we talk about our emotions is very important to how we perceive, react and respond to the world around us.

For instance when we say, “I am sad.” We are making a statement of being and our mind, body and soul are searching for evidence that this state of being is true and constant. “I am sad” often leads to “You made me sad.” Which takes the power (and responsibility) away from us and puts it in the hands of others. This is very dis-empowering.

When we say, “I feel sad.” We are acknowledging a passing experience. In this moment I am FEELING the emotion of sadness. I can then choose to do something about it, or just experience it. Either way it is my choice, not my state of being. Also when we say, “I feel sad,” we can more easily say to someone “When you did XYZ, I felt sad.” We are owning our sadness, taking responsibility for it, and letting the other person know that an action they took caused a response in us.

We are not blaming them or holding them responsible, we are opening up dialog. We can choose to remain sad or choose to let go of the sadness, but it is our choice not someone else’s responsibility to change our thoughts in order to change our feelings. The stories (thoughts) we tell about those feelings dictate the depth and duration.

For example, I can say, “I am sad because my mom passed away. With Mother’s Day coming up, I am even more aware of her absence in my daily life.” If I say this over and over, my mind, body and soul will look for evidence to support this story and I will stay sad and miserable for quite awhile. If on the other hand I said, “I am feeling sad right now because I miss my mother.” It gives me the choice to stay sad or move to a different feeling. An emotion like gratitude could easily follow, “I feel grateful for the time I did have with my mother and the powerful impact she had on my life.”

Remember “I am” followed by an emotion will keep you stuck in that emotion. However, “I feel” followed by an emotion allows you the flexibility to move between emotions easily and honestly. Emotions are amazing and teach us many things about ourselves, experience them, but don’t get stuck in them.

Journey Forth Turtle Style!

2010-05-03T11:07:00.002-04:00

What’s a Turtle Step and why should I take one?

Turtle steps are the smallest step possible when moving toward your goal. Why should you take one if it is so small as to seem completely insignificant? Because any step no matter how tiny is moving you in the right direction. Talking about bigger steps keeps you right where you are. Wise people from all cultures have expressed how important Turtle Steps are… “the journey of a 1000 miles begins with the first step”, “the whale can be eaten, starting with the first bite.”

As many of you know or have figured out by now, Kim, Jenna, and I just moved into a new apartment. The process took us a whole week. On the first couple days we packed and moved a few things in our tiny little car. Then on Saturday, we had amazing friends work their asses off moving the big heavy furniture. However, due to rain, time, and strength (everything had to be moved down two flights of stairs, loaded, driven a block, then moved up two flights of stairs), there were still many lighter boxes and extra stuff that needed to be moved over the next two days.

We weren’t sure how the three of us were going to get finished on time to turn the keys in and get the full refund for the month. We brainstormed ways to break this huge task into even smaller turtle steps than before. By breaking the task of moving the boxes down the stairs into stages, no one had to climb more than one flight of stairs at a time and there were more natural breathing breaks built in. We also had just our tiny Rio, and so it took 4 trips back and forth to get ‘the last’ of it. Not having one of the vans was probably a blessing because again it allowed for smaller steps. Each load made us feel like we were moving forward. Each box up the stairs felt like a real accomplishment.

I have seen Turtle Steps work in every situation imaginable. Martha Beck (a famous life coach and writer) wrote her dissertation in just 15 minutes a day. I have had clients who have used them to completely change the course of their lives, tiny steps everyday for 12 weeks can put you firmly on the path you want to be on.

When you find yourself TALKING about what you need/want to do, instead of only talking, take one teeny, tiny step in that direction. Then reward yourself! If you do this everyday for 4 days, you will begin a new habit, if you do it everyday for 21 days you have totally established that habit and it will be very difficult to break or interrupt your forward movement! Journey forth Turtle Style!!

Do words, semantics, really matter?

2010-05-01T12:37:00.001-04:00

Do words, semantics, really matter?

In a word, YES! What you call something or how you define it in your mind makes a big difference in how you feel about it. This point was brought home, literally, when my family started talking about 'chore charts' for the new apartment. All three of us had a terrible association with the word 'chore' and it made us feel like it was something hard and icky that we were being MADE to do. It didn't matter that we were making the list and choosing the 'chores.' The word was so oppressive that we knew our essential selves were balking and it didn't matter what rewards we doled out, these 'chores' would not get done.

We agreed we wanted a clean and organized apartment. We agree it was up to all three of us to share the tasks necessary for that to happen. So we brainstormed, coming up with all kinds of silly words and phrases that expressed the shared ideas and goals we had without sounding so oppressive. What happened after all the giggling was pretty cool. We came up with Cleanliness Outcome Commitments or CoCo's for short. Now we are excited and happy to do our CoCo's. Rarely does anyone have to be reminded of the ones they signed up to do. To us, asking each other about CoCo's doesn't have the same energy that asking about a chore has. We also remember how much fun we had brainstorming for our perfect term.

Another place where words matter is in my faith journey. I was so blown away a few weeks ago when in stead of saying the full Nicene Creed our Bishop said three sentences that "summed" up the important parts: I believe in a God who Loves me, I believe in Jesus Christ who came to teach me about that Love, I believe in the Holy Spirit who helps me Love others. There are days when the words of the Nicene Creed get in the way of my faith, but now I have a way to sum it up that really makes me feel connected to my community, to the Divine, and excites my essential self.

So words do matter, they matter very much! The same actions described with different words can be a drudgery or an enjoyment. The same faith can be shut down or opened up. What I have learned is listening to my essential self when it is balking at a task I want to do, I can play with words until the right ones trigger the "YES! I can do that response!!!!" It happens every time when I hit the right combination!

Listening to the 'Everybodies' in your head or Listening for Divine Guidance?

2010-04-28T10:37:00.003-04:00

Messages come to us everyday. We just need to pay attention and be open to receiving them. When we have reoccurring thoughts, hear certain songs, have friends contact us ‘out of the blue’, have books or articles ‘fall into our lap’, etc…. the Divine is communicating with us, answering questions, smoothing transitions, lighting the next step on our path, breaking cycles of unhealthy behaviors, the list could go on and on. The point is we are not alone and we don’t have to make decisions in the dark, our way will be easier if we accept the help we are given.

Learning to listen to the messages takes courage. It takes the ability to listen to the absolute truth. It requires you to be responsible for your life. When you listen to the Divine messages you truly understand you ALWAYS have choices. You are the hero of this journey—not the victim.

Victims can’t accept the truth that they have power over their thoughts and feelings. They can’t accept the truth that their fears are just illusions. Victims choose to feel bad, they choose to look for the ‘evidence’ that reinforces their stories and they fail to accept that those stories aren’t always true.

Listening to the Divine requires the ability to see through illusions, to see creative answers and to be counter-cultural in your approach to life. Those who listen to the Divine are very often independent thinkers. They have a healthy sense of self-respect. They set personal boundaries that keep the ‘everybodies’ in their heads at bay.

‘Everybody else’ thinks this or does that is often the first excuse a victim gives. I choose to do this and I choose to believe that said with confidence gives the hero the power to make changes.

Trusting and listening to the Divine isn't for the weak at heart who wants ‘everyone else’ to solve his problems. Listening to the Guidance of the Divine is for the hero who can handle the truth and responsibility needed to follow his own Destiny.

Are you a Victim or Hero?

2010-04-13T08:48:00.002-04:00

I have had to learn how to avoid nay-sayers and skeptics just to survive. Now I am at a point where I actually laugh when people tell me this or that is impossible. Some things are more probable, but nothing is impossible. When you focus on love, service, and Spirit, miracles (aka the impossible) happen everyday.

One of the most powerful exercises I use as a life coach is a ‘retelling exercise.’ It is a way to take a tragic or hard experience and turn it into an empowering story. For example, I was born with dyslexia and traditional schooling was excruciatingly painful…academically and socially. I hated school with a passion. The teachers and other students made my life a living hell because I was so different. I could tell anyone who would listen about the horrors of what I went through and overcame OR I could say:

“I was destined to help those who feel like misfits, so I learned what it was to feel like the ultimate misfit. I was destined to teach the un-educatable to educate themselves, so I learned first hand various methods of education. I was destined to mentor people into their best destinies, so I lost my way learning to redraw my map many times until I could do it for myself easily and then lead others.”

The power to lovingly and firmly create our own destinies lies within each of us. How do you think about your story? Are you a victim who has overcome adversity or are you a hero who has completed a hard task and is now reaping the rewards?

If you think of yourself as the victim of life who constantly overcomes-- that is the reality you are creating. You will always be a victim of life. You will never learn, grow or be in control of your destiny. Your most common feeling will be that of being alone in a cruel world where you are ‘just making the best of it.’

If you think of yourself as the hero completing difficult tasks, you learn and receive the hero’s rewards. The hero’s journey is hard, but the amazing strength, companions, and joy the hero finds are worth every hard moment. The hero feels connected to the Divine, to companions, to mentors, to himself and knows that every hard task is rewarded beyond measure.

Your thoughts create your feelings making you a co-creator of your life. When you think of yourself as the hero, your feelings inspire your actions. If you feel like a hero you will act like one, you will have super inner strength, endurance, and determination. Your actions produce results. As the hero, with choices, you will attempt the seemingly impossible, fail-learn, fail-learn, fail-learn and then succeed- surpassing your wildest dreams.

Actions (no matter how small) transform your reality. Try seeing yourself as the hero on a never-ending journey. When you do, life just gets more magical and beautiful with each step. You will experience the ‘impossible’ happening around you and within you everyday.

Storytelling

2010-03-30T08:50:00.001-04:00

We are all storytellers. Telling stories is how we make sense of the world around us. What we need to ask ourselves is “Is this story helping me or hurting me? Am I taking responsibility for my choices? Am I telling the ‘truth’ in my story?”

The facts are only a small part of any good story. Main characters (us) need motivation, purpose, flaws, and even weaknesses to be interesting. Listen to the stories you are telling yourself and others, are there times when your feelings of frustration, sadness, and anger are out of proportion to the situation? Why do you think that is? Do you see patterns or connections?

Taking review of your life and paying attention to common patterns can help you realize blocks to getting the little (and big) victories in life that you deserve. For example, do you constantly start a new plan you think will be ‘healthy for you’ only to be derailed in a few days, weeks or months. By taking the time to examine the underlying reasons to your personal resistance, you can change the cycles, you will change the internal story. When the internal story is changed the external story changes to match.

Until you examine the story through the lens of absolute truth and self-responsibility, you cannot change or alter the story in anyway. The reason many of us don’t want to change our stories is that our stories often relieve us of responsibility for the continued cycles we find ourselves in…. “this or that ALWAYS happens TO us.” It takes hard work to rewrite the story. Few people are up to the challenge. Are you?

New Price For Spring!!!!

2010-03-23T11:26:00.001-04:00

NEW PRICE FOR SPRING!!!!!!!! Please Help me get the word out!

Win For Life Workshops

Regain control of your weight and life ... four days at a time.

The workshops were created by Sandie Griffin and are based on the book “The Four Day Win: End Your Diet War and Achieve Thinner Peace” by Martha Beck. Psychology Today says of Martha Beck and the book:

..."the best-known life coach in America" shatters the myth that willpower is an effective weight-loss tool and introduces a revolutionary approach to lifetime leanness based on a series of "4-day wins" that work with any weight-loss program.

Reasons to sign up for Win for Life:
1) You will learn 'why' you are carrying extra weight.
2) You will master the invaluable life skill of breaking big goals into tiny, enjoyable, do-able steps.
3) You will be successful.
4) You will learn to love yourself for who you are.
5) You will receive encouragement and support the whole way.
6) You will get your mind and body to work together towards a common goal.
7) You will discover that you can trust yourself to do what is best for your whole being.

Even if you have never been successful before, you will be able to succeed with the help of these workshops.

1) NEW SPRING PRICE!!!!!!!!The Standard 12-Week program is $120 per person.

2) There is also a special Family and Friends Group, put together by the individuals. Total cost is $500. This can be divided by up to 25 people. The more people participating, the less each person pays.

Don't wait to make this life-changing decision. If you've always wanted to lose weight and gain a feeling of 'being comfortable in your own skin,' this is the workshop for you.

Contact:
Sandie.M.Griffin@gmail.com

Myths about Fear and Power

2010-02-20T17:04:00.008-05:00

Myth: Power is given to us or we can earn it from the outside world.

Truth: Power is assumed (and comes from deep within us in the place where we are connected to the Divine).

True power is gentle and works for the good of all. True power is quietly confident and feels totally competent. Abuse of power comes from fear. True power is rarely abused because there is no fear that someone can take it away.

When fear, yours or another's, enters the picture, you know the human ego has been wounded. Abuse of power, acting out, and self-sabotage are all rooted in fear. To compound the problem, a wounded ego is without the inner strength required to see fear as an illusion.

The illusion of fear comes in two forms, perception of lack or attack. Our brains tell us there is not enough love, time, or money, or someone is trying to take those precious commodities from us. It tells us that these resources are scarce and we must grab and hold on to all we can get because we might find ourselves without essentials. Most of us waste lots of love, time and money worrying about dangers that never materialize. When we come to the place where we realize that we have everything we need, then we can respond to real dangers with clarity and inner power.

Both self-awareness and the desire to heal are required to reach that place of inner strength and perfect power. You know you are in that place when you believe without a shadow of doubt that your life is within your power to change; when each action you take is your choice; when you are responsible AND free.

Do you need a Life Coach?!?

2010-02-05T16:26:00.000-05:00

See if you need a life coach by answering the following questions with often, sometimes, rarely, never:

1) My life feels like a great adventure

2) I feel sure I can solve problems

3) I have fun

4) I laugh out loud

5) I feel overwhelmed with gratitude

6) I spend time in comfortable solitude

7) I am fascinated by the things I am learning

8) I feel deeply understood

9) Things just seem to work out for me

10) I get so involved in projects I forget to stop

11) I use my imagination

12) I do things I loved when I was a kid

13) People seem to enjoy being around me

14) I play

15) I feel perfectly safe

16) I get excited when it is time to go to work

17) I feel mentally sharp and alert

18) I have really cool ideas

19) I love my body

20) I am flooded with love for other people

21) I do new things or old things in new ways

22) I do what I want even if it is scary

23) I am completely relaxed with other people

24) I feel intense physical pleasure

25) I am very pleased with myself, in general

If you answered even one of these with a rarely or never, contact me!!!!!

Angel Readings

2009-12-08T07:22:00.002-05:00

In this Season of Advent, we hear over and over that Angels brought messages to everyone! They came in person, spoke through dreams, sang in choirs, and rejoiced! Personally, I think they are still coming. I think they are still bringing messages to those who will listen.

After a few mystical experiences of my own, I started incorporating Angel Readings into my life coaching sessions. I was surprised at how strangely accurate they were. My clients were also happily surprised at how accurate and helpful these reading were to uncovering blocks and offering concrete suggestions for reaching their goals.

I have now done countless readings for family and friends. Each and every time, it seems something is revealed that is meaningful to the person receiving the reading. It excites and humbles me that I can help people this way.

It doesn't seem to matter if the client or I even believe in 'literal angels.' The messages are coming from a place of Divine Love, the Source of Eternal creative energy. It is the universal power that connects us all. Every Sunday I hear, "With Angels and Archangels and all the Company of Heaven...." Everyday, I believe in God's messengers more and more.

If you want an Angel Reading or want to host an Angel Reading Party, leave a comment, call me, email me, or drop me a note on Facebook :) I will do everything I can to help you hear what the Angels want to tell you.

The best part of my best destiny is seeing others fly!

2009-11-19T20:50:00.004-05:00

I design programs that remove blocks to personal success. What that means to me is that I work with individuals helping them light their path. I help them step over, go around or bulldoze through the road blocks they have put in their own way.

The biggest road blocks come in the form of fears. I have learned and been able to teach that fear is almost always an illusion. Can you imagine what it would be like to wake up not being afraid? Or live a day without making a decision because of fear? Or best of all can you imagine laughing out loud at your current fears?

To me success is wanting to jump out of bed because you are excited to get started with your day. It is feeling like you are making a difference just by being the amazing person you were created to be. It is about being confident in your ability to make tough decisions that are congruent with your essential self. It is about experiencing a joy deep within your soul each and everyday.

Personal success is defined differently by every person I talk to, but the one thing that remains consistent is abundance. Each person wants to be able to truly feel and believe in abundance. For some it is an abundance of love; for others it is an abundance of money; and for few it is an abundance of time. I help them remove the blocks to their personal abundance!

After 12 weeks of working with me, you will feel abundant, joyful and successful! I feel so blessed to be a small part of the journey. Each person I work with enriches my life in amazing ways. The best part of my best destiny is seeing others fly!

Personal Blocks to Success

2009-11-11T19:19:00.001-05:00

Each of us have blocks that stand in the way of us moving toward and acheiving the life we want. These blocks my be conscious, unconsious, or even a blend of both.

I recently uncovered a personal block of my own. It was not a conscious thought, but rather a longstanding belief deep in my unconscious that had taken root in childhood: money is bad. Money corrupts. Money is dirty, Money is a necessary evil.

When I thought about it, after the initial surprise of uncovering this block, I realized these pervasive thoughts about money had completely influenced the way I saw myself and my career. I was afraid to make a lot of money. I was afraid I would become a snob!

Now, I have created an affirmation to correct and remove this block: I can have money AND be an honest, generous, and kind person.

The exercises in my 12 week programs, amongst other things, are designed to help you deal with any blocks you have to living the life you truly want. Some you may already know and some may surprise you.

What is holding you back?

2009-11-05T20:08:00.002-05:00

What is holding you back from the life you have always dreamt of living?

Maybe it is fear, weight, doubts, time, money, skills, circumstances or a bad childhood. Are you ready to uncover and remove those personal blocks so you can become the person you were created to be? Do you want to be joyful, successful, and confident in all areas of your life?

I guarantee you will see measurable results in less than three months if you are willing to invest in yourself for just one hour a week for 12 weeks.

A twelve week program includes:
*12 hours of personal 1 to 1 coaching(in person or over the phone).
*email support as needed during the 12 weeks.
*weekly 'assignments' designed just for you and your unique blocks!!!!
*a pre- and post- evaluation of your desired outcomes.
*a 'tool box' full of block removing tools that work for you!
*ways that work for you to visualize and create the life you want.

If you are ready to begin the journey to uncover your most amazing, successful, joyful self, contact me: sandie.m.griffin@gmail.com

The Four- Day Win For Charity Workshops!

2009-10-16T00:34:00.000-04:00

Need to lose five pounds or five hundred pounds do it now with:
The Four- Day Win For Charity Workshops!

If you want more information on how to schedule these workshops for your group, just leave a comment or email me at sandie.m.griffin@gmail.com

As most of you know by now, I am totally enamored with the book The Four-Day Win by Martha Beck. I think the information in this book is so important and life changing I have been trying to figure out creative, fun ways to inspire groups of people to heal, grow and maybe even lose some weight together using her methods.

I have been designing workshops around the various ‘wins.’ I am ready to test run these workshops. While brainstorming with Kim, we came up with the idea of connecting it to raising money for charity. This will work for any group, at the gym, at the office, a church group, a group of friends, a book group, or anywhere you know people who think they need to lose weight.

This is how it would work: there are 35 possible ‘wins’ in the book. These wins can be completed in an 8-week period. The participants would get sponsors to sponsor them for every ‘win’ they completed during the 8-week course of workshops. So if someone sponsored you for .50 per win and you completed 25 of the 35 wins, they would donate $12.50 to the charity of your group’s choice. There can even be prizes for those who complete the most ‘wins’ and/or raise the most for the charity.

This book is about weight loss, but more importantly it is about learning to love and respect yourself. Personally, I have lost over 125 lbs now. The first few months the weight dropped quickly about 8-12 lbs a month. Then it tapered off and I hit the dreaded plateau for a few months. However, unlike in the past, not only did I not panic and gain the weight back, I stayed peaceful about it and was able to continue to love and respect myself with no weight gain. Now I am losing again, slowly at about 1 to 2 lbs a month, but the key word here is losing!

The reason this is such a big deal to me is that I was diagnosed with an insulin resistant disease that made losing weight ‘physically impossible’ according to more than one doctor. I was told over and over again that if I could stop the weight gain that would be considered ‘success.’ But here I am losing with no workouts (can’t right now because of a hernia), no special diet (I do choose to eat gluten free, but that is NOT part of the Four Day Win), no pills, no strange brews, etc…. It really is as easy as learning to love and respect yourself.

If you want more information on how to schedule these workshops for your group, just leave a comment or email me at sandie.m.griffin@gmail.com

Ideal life: learning to visualize it.

2009-10-12T18:50:00.000-04:00

This exercise comes from The Success Puzzle by Bob Proctor. It is along the same lines as the self-audit from last week, but it goes further. It asks you to visualize what each aspect of your life would look like if it were that perfect 10 out of 10. Take time to write them out carefully considering each word. Then you spend a little bit of time each day for a week or so saying them out loud and adjusting the words or your daily actions until you feel like you are headed in the ‘right’ direction. Then take time to check in at least once a week to keep you moving in that direction.

I set my goals pretty high and while I am happy that I am on the right path, I am nowhere near a 10 in all these areas. Here are how my goals to the ‘right path’ came out:

Mind: I use my mind daily to solve problems, come up with new questions, and to envision my future state. I actively accept ideas that draw me closer to my best destiny and actively reject any ideas that lead me away from or distract me from my best destiny.

Body: My body is healthy. It is releasing the extra weight easily. I am strong enough and physically fit enough to live life to the fullest—no limits!

Spirit/Spiritually: I am listening to my inner Spirit. I am feeding it healthy messages. I am playful and creative everyday. I am involved with an active enriching spiritual community. I am doing my part to make the world a better place. I am giving of my time and talents.

Family/Friends: I stay connected to those I love. I offer support and encouragement when needed. I practice showing unconditional love for who they are.

Society: I give abundantly to causes, individuals and groups that are working to better their communities and the world. I give time to those who need my talents. I connect and smile with everyone I see.

Finances: I have more than I could possibly want or need. This allows me to give freely and abundantly. Riches of all kinds flow through me on their way to making the Universe a brighter more loving place. I have multiple sources of income and am debt-free.

Play

2009-10-11T15:08:00.003-04:00

Remember that 3 out of 10 I got on my self-audit?

Well, here I am addressing that need. ;-)

Challenge: Can you take a new risk each day that leads you closer to your heart's desire?

2009-10-07T21:08:00.005-04:00

In this next piece of the Joy Diet, Martha Beck recommends that we do something that feels like diving off the high dive into a clear sparkling pool of water each and every day. I have been doing this for a while now. I learned the concept for the first time in her book The Four Day Win.

In preparation for this post I made a list of all the risks I had taken recently. It was a page long before I took a breath. Some of my risks were big, some were small, some were wildly successful, some were dismal failures, but all were risks that moved me closer to my best destiny.

What I learned from taking risks is that I had set up irrational boundaries that I arbitrarily decided not to cross. Each risk pushed back fear walls and enlarged my world. Each risk brought me closer to knowing my essential self. Each risk helped me grow stronger and more self-reliant. It didn't matter if the risk was successful or disastrous, I actually got to the point of enjoying them. I have learned that I learn more from 'failure' than from success. I ask more questions, probe deeper, problem solve more effectively when I don't succeed.

Good risks are always scary. What they are not is confusing, icky feeling, or life threatening. There are different types of risk: physical risk (to the body), emotional risk (exposing emotions), professional risk (gamble for life's work), social risk (possibility of being judged by others). Most of us have one or two area where just about any action in the quadrant scares our pants off, and one of two of the quadrants where we feel comfortable. Choose the category where you feel the most scared and do the smallest step possible to achieve your heart's desire.

Here are the daily minimum requirements according to the Joy Diet:

1) Choose your scary goal. Make sure you want it and make sure it scares you.

2) Take the smallest step possible. Break it down until it cannot be broken down any further, then take that smallest step.

3) Make backing out as hard as going forward. Commit your time, money, and pride. Announce it to everyone that you encounter.

4) Don't be afraid to be afraid. Accept your fear and calm yourself with re-enforcing self-affirmations.

5) Walk into the monster's maw. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Take a deep breath and jump.

Challenge: Can you make room for creativity in your daily life?

2009-09-30T09:43:00.001-04:00

If you have spent the last week thinking about your heart’s desires, then now it is time to get creative with ideas that will help you obtain those desires.

Most adults I talk to tell me right away that they are not creative. The most common perception of creativity is making something ‘artsy’, but in reality creativity is the process of creating and each of us does it everyday. Simple tasks like cooking, writing anything, talking to people, shopping etc.. are all creative tasks.

According to Martha Beck there are some very uncomfortable truths about creativity. I have found them to be very true. The first is that we are always responsible for creating our lives, whether we like it or not. This was a hard concept for me wrap my mind around at first. Yet when we think about it everything we do creates a change in time or space.

Even our thoughts change our feelings, which in turn produce results. Every motivational speaker from Earl Nightingale to Zig Ziglar says that to create a new life we must create new thoughts. What we think about is what we draw to ourselves. Using our imagination to visualize what we want is the very first step to creating the life we desire. If we can’t visualize anything different than what we have, we will never get anything different.

The next idea about creativity that is hard to accept is that creation is hard. People want to think artist, writers, actors, and musicians that just create art ‘without any effort.’ That is a very false assumption. Those people work their tushes off, they practice, trash more than they show, they WORK at their craft. People who believe that as soon as they find their ‘true calling’ everything will just fall into place often stop as soon as they hit any difficulty at all. The difference is that when you love some thing, when it is your heart’s desire, the hours and hours of work often (but not always) seem like play. You are feeding your soul even when what you are doing turns out badly…which it will 99% of the time.

That leads to the last hard truth about creation; it usually doesn’t work. From my personal experience and research on wildly successful people they aren’t ‘better’ at coming up with good ideas than the ‘average Joe’ they just come up with MORE ideas. Professional photographers usually use less than 10 to 15% of their shots. Writers throw out 90% or more of what they write, artists throw away at least 90% of their work and show even less than that to others, actors and musicians practice at least 20-30 hours for every hour they are on stage.

So if you want a different life, make the time to be creative for at least 15 minutes each day.

1) Form your most pressing desire into a question. (How could I…….?)
2) Write 5 different answers, if none of them are feasible, write five more.
3) Try ‘mind yoga’
a. Force innovation. Come up with strange and creative ways to solve the problem. They don’t have to be sensible, ethical, or even legal. All the have to be is different from each other.
b. Perseverate on your enemies. What is it that MOST bugs you about them. How can you act that way within your own moral boundaries.
c. Unify false dichotomies. Make a list of things you believe cannot co-exist in your world. Then make up a sentence where you have both. Replace I can have blank OR blank with I can have blank AND blank.
d. Break the rule of the ‘Garden of Eden.’ Notice then say out loud the unspoken rules of the social system you live with.
e. Combine the incongruous. Do something new and TOTALLY unrelated to your heart’s desire and observe. See if a new solution to your heart’s desire pops up.
f. Do one thing differently. Eat with no utensils, walk a different way, sit in a dry bathtub to journal, wear a hat, etc….

Self Audit

2009-09-23T09:01:00.005-04:00

A good exercise to do every few weeks is a ‘self-audit’. It allows you to pinpoint any areas of your life that you have let slide. There are all kinds of self-audits out there, but this is a pretty quick and easy one. It's based on one by Diana Sterling, the author of Parent as Coach Approach.

List the areas of your life that are important to you, about 7-9 of them. Then rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 on how you think your doing in each area. How happy are you with your progress? Then take the lowest (1 to 3) and work on them this week.

Here is how mine came out:

Friends and Family: 4
Primary Relationship: 9
Play: 3
Self-care: 7
Photography: 4
Community Service: 6
Mentoring: 5
Life Coaching: 6
Housework: 4

Play - needs lots of work.

1) What do I want to do this week improve my ability to play?

I want to remember (and journal) about why playing is so important to mental health, clarity of thought, brainstorming new ideas, and feeling happy. I want to remember the things I did as a child to play and see which ones still make me smile.

2) What actions can I take to improve my playtime?

I can schedule playtime into my week. I want to make sure I play at least every other day. I want to do things I did as a kid: Swim, swing, color, etc….

3) What support do I require to be successful?

I need to make sure I have access to the car. I need to join the Y if swimming is going to be a part of my playtime.

Friends and Family - needs attention.

1) What do I want to do this week improve my connections with Friends and family?

I want to write letters and notes to the people I miss and have been thinking about.

2) What actions can I take to move my connections forward?

I want to write to at least one person each day, email, card, or letter. I can write their name on my calendar so I don’t ‘forget’ or let time get away from me.

3) What support do I require to be successful?

I need to make sure I have cards and stationary on hand.

Housework - Needs attention.

1) What do I want to do this week improve my housework?

I want to make a list of all the chores I think are important to keeping my house clean. Then, divide them up into daily chores, weekly chores and bi-monthly chores.

2) What actions can I take to move my housework forward?

I want to start by doing my list of daily chores each day and then and add the once a week chores in this weekend.

3) What support do I require to be successful?

Well, a pat on the back or a “wow, the apt. looks nice” are always great motivators :) but honestly, I just need the clean uncluttered feeling that comes with a clean apartment. It makes me smile and makes all my other tasks seem so much easier.

Challenge: Can you make Desire a part of your daily life?

2009-09-22T08:45:00.001-04:00

It is not a coincidence that I got distracted, temporarily lost interest, and/or got too busy to keep up these weekly challenges when Desire was the next piece of the Joy puzzle. It is the piece that I struggle with the most. I am actually still afraid of it.

Somewhere along the way I was taught, that Desire was bad, greedy, and destructive to relationships. I also learned from experience that it hurt too much to admit you wanted something because that was the very thing you could not have. A good daughter, a good wife and a good mother emptied herself of all Desire. I was content with what came my way. I was so happy to meet the needs of others that I told myself that was the purpose of my life.

For just shy of two years now I have been trying very hard to break free from old patterns and all the guilt connected with Desire. Honestly, it has been the hardest part of getting healthy for me. It is still a daily struggle. I can also say it is worth the effort. My Desire muscles are getting stronger, my guilt for feeling Desire is getting weaker as a direct result more true Joy is flooding my life each day.

I believe Desires, Wants, Needs, and Passions are all gifts from God. They are guideposts that lead us to our best destinies. We need to pay attention to them the way we would pay attention messages sent from the Divine because when we live into them Miracles happen everyday.

So this week, make time everyday to explore your Desires. Here is how Martha Beck recommends you start:

1) Find a safe quiet place. Create stillness within. (Either by sitting still or walking whichever works best for you)
2) Get honest with yourself.
3) Grab the first genuine Desire that comes into your mind, no matter how trivial or grandiose. True Desires can range from petting the cat to curing cancer…. they make your world feel bigger, more peaceful, like a warm hug.
4) Keep exploring the Desire until you reach the true yearning. It will tug at your gut.
5) Let Desire become intention. Begin to think of yourself as someone who goes and gets what they want.
6) Don’t assume you will get your Desire through ‘normal’ means. Keep your eyes and ears open for unorthodox ways.
7) Imagine yourself with your Desire. Now ask yourself “Then What?” If what comes next is just as satisfying, then you have a real winner…a real Heart’s Desire!
Believe it is not only right and good to live your life around your Desires, but absolutely necessary to living your authentic best destiny

Two New Workshops

2009-09-15T12:13:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to let everyone know about two new sets of workshops that I have available.

The first one is based on Martha Beck's book The Four Day Win. The goal of the workshop is healthy weight loss. Over the last 18 months, I have lost over 120 lbs using her suggestions, that are all based on loving and respecting yourself. No 'diets or exercises' to learn. There are no 'shoulds', no 'have to' and best of all no guilt. I still have weight to lose, and it is coming off and staying off in a healthy way for the first time in my adult life. If you would like to get a group together for this workshop, I would love to come talk to give you all more information. The workshops can be 6 intense weeks, or 16 weeks of learning tiny changes that produce big results.

The second set of workshops are based on Diana Sterling's book The Parent as Coach Approach. In my 30 years experience as a tutor and mentor I have never run across an approach as easy and life changing as this one. It is based on teaching personal responsibility, accountability, and above all respect. I have conducted this set of workshops with amazing results in families in as little as one week. This set of workshops works best when we meet once a week for 8 weeks.

If your friends, church group, community group or just you, want more information I would love to talk to you. My email is sandie.m.griffin@gmail.com, let me know and we can arrange a meeting!

Challenge: Can you make Truth a part of your daily life?

2009-08-11T06:38:00.001-04:00

Telling yourself the truth is the next exercise in The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. After you have experienced your 15 minutes of Nothing, ask yourself these questions.

1) What am I feeling? –physically, emotionally, spiritually
2) What hurts? –physically, emotionally, spiritually
3) What is the painful story I am telling? –memory, event, ‘truth’
4) Can I be sure my painful story is true? –clean pain vs. dirty pain
5) Is my painful story working? –does it bring balance and peace to my life
6) Can I think of another story that might work better? –brings more love into the world

Then, make sure to offer yourself compassion and acceptance. Very few people are brave enough to seek the Truth and even fewer are brave enough to act on it.

The most important thing I learned from this exercise was to tell the difference between ‘clean pain’ and ‘dirty pain’. Clean pain is the real physical pain, grief, or suffering caused by a loss or injury. You break you leg it hurts, you lose a loved one it hurts, your marriage dissolves it hurts etc…. Dirty pain is how you think about that event. ‘My broken leg means I will walk with a limp and everyone will laugh at me for the rest of my life’ or ‘My loved one died, all life has stopped having meaning’ or ‘Since my spouse left me, no one could possibly ever love me.’ These are exaggerated thoughts, but not so exaggerated that we cannot recognize the pattern.

Clean pain is healthy, desirable, and useful in the healing process. Dirty pain is destructive, dangerous, and unproductive to moving forward. Dirty pain traps us in false stories. When we ask the question ‘Is my painful story true?’ if the answer is ‘YES’ without even a thought, then we are most likely neck deep in dirty pain.

All the stories we tell ourselves are made up by us. They are all arbitrary and cannot be verified. Once we allow ourselves the possibility that our painful story might not be true, it allows for the opportunity to walk away from the ‘dirty pain’ our story was creating. Most of our pain comes from worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet and mostly like won’t.

When retelling your painful stories, choose ones that bring you balance and create room for more love and grace in the world. ‘My broken leg will heal, in the mean time, I will have to slow down and let my loved ones help me.’ ‘My best friend passed away, and my memories of the way they loved life make me smile.’ ‘My spouse left me, and I now have the opportunity to live life my way by my rules, the world is my playground.’

So can you handle the Truth? Can you dig deep enough to separate the clean pain from the dirty pain?

Challenge: Can you learn to do NOTHING?

2009-08-05T08:31:00.001-04:00

My very favorite coaching author Martha Beck inspires the next set of challenges. Often I feel like she saved my life, gave me a new career, and brought me back to a place a true joy in my soul. It makes me happy to share some of these insights.

In her book The Joy Diet, (not about losing weight), her first exercise is to learn to do nothing for 15 minutes a day. It sounds so counter intuitive to our Western ‘never waste a minute’ mind set, however, it is exactly what we need to learn how to do so that we don’t waste lots of minutes in guilty avoidance of overwhelming tasks.

Find a place where you will not be bothered, by anyone or anything for 15-20 minutes. Set yourself a little alarm so you are not worried about time. This is your most important meeting of the day treat it with respect. You are going to meet the ‘One’ you know so well, where none ever is, this is how St. John of the Cross explained it. The One, could be God, your higher power, or your true self who knows he/she is loved beyond measure.

To do nothing, you must vacate… lose touch with, let go of your habitual environment. Since most of us don’t even know HOW to do this, Martha give three helpful ways. First option is just to sit quietly and relax. Second option works if sitting quietly drives you to anything except relaxation; go for a walk or do any simple repetitive physical activity where thinking is not necessary. Option three is best when you are physically or emotionally exhausted; find a place to watch natural motion, like a waterfall, fireplace, candle, or wind blowing through the trees.

Once you are ready, detach from your thoughts by watching them. You can visualize them going past as a ticker tape, a parade, a waterfall, a stream of traffic…. whatever works for you to just look at your thoughts without ‘thinking about them or judging them.’ As they go past try and name them, with one word: pain, gratitude, worry, fear, thinking, happy, fun, etc…

Adding ‘nothing moments’ to your life will help you become aware that your life has an undercurrent of love and strength even in the midst of suffering and chaos. You will begin to see that more is accomplished in silent stillness than in frenzied action.

Challenge: Can you stop rescuing and start supporting?

2009-07-28T07:07:00.000-04:00

Skill: Supporting vs. Rescuing

A critical piece to surrounding yourself with healthy, loving, supportive people is to stop rescuing them. Most of the time, all they need is support. Again, like the other concepts, this applies to our children, our parents, our co-workers, and even our spouse. Rescuing makes us feel good in the moment, but often leads to resentment in the long run. Rescuing, as a general rule, creates needy co-dependent people, who are not self-motivated, self-directed, or responsible. They are often depressed and think of themselves as worthless, and incompetent.

It is hard, for those of us who are natural fixers, not to want to run in and ‘save the day’ or ‘tell them how to save themselves.’ We do it each time we take a forgotten lunch to school or work, remind them to put on their coat or take their umbrella, remind them to do their homework, or we find their missing “whatever” for them, etc… We are telling ourselves, and them, that they can’t function without us, yet at the same time we are wishing they would. It is a sneaky double-edged sword.

When deciding which is appropriate to the situation, rescue or support, the question to ask yourself is “Is the life of the person I love in danger?” If their life is not in danger, then most likely all they need is your support to solve the problem. Ask them “What support do you need to solve this problem?” Have faith in them that they have the answers they need.

If this is a new pattern, it may take awhile for them to learn that you will no longer think for them. “I don’t know” may be the answer you get for quite a while, but be firm, do not offer suggestions or ‘hints.’ Get them to define the specific problem of the moment, listen to them brainstorm ways to solve the problem (encourage funny outrageous ideas just to get them thinking), ask them “what would you say to a friend with this problem?”

Often all our loved ones need is an ear to listen and someone willing to give them room to solve their own problems. If however, they request tangible support, you can freely decide to give it to them or not. Too often we are jumping in and rescuing before they have even fully seen or realized the problem.

Just like us, our loved ones learn from experience. We can’t save them from making the same mistakes we did; the harder we try, the more likely it will be that they repeat them. By letting them know we trust them to solve their own problems, keep themselves safe, and think for themselves, they will begin to do those very things. The more they do them, the more they trust themselves, and the more we respect and honor them for the amazing, supportive, loving, healthy people they are.

Challenge: Can you stop confusing asking with telling?

2009-07-21T07:07:00.003-04:00

Too many of us, in the name of politeness, use confusing speech. We 'tell' our children, spouses, co-workers and employees the things we need them to do with asking words. As soon as we add 'please, ok, would you, etc' to our sentence it is no longer a 'tell,' it becomes an 'ask.' We are offering a choice where one was not intended. This politeness interferes with clear communication.

Confusing language leads to fights, misunderstandings, feelings of disrespect, and poor communication habits. There are times when it is appropriate to tell, and times when it is appropriate to ask. Strong communicators, who know their own bottom line, seamlessly and confidently judge which to use in any given situation. Personally, I am still practicing and have to think before I speak to make sure I am communicating what I intend.

Asking vs. Telling goes back to last week's challenge of really knowing your bottom line. When someone's immediate safety is involved, we should use telling language with no confusion. "Get out, the house is on fire" or "call 911, Grandpa just fell" etc., are examples of critical times to tell. Telling is also appropriate when time is of the essence or the action is non-negotiable, "Get in the car, we are leaving now" or "Have that report on my desk by morning." Telling is clear and precise, it leaves no room for confusion. However, it also leaves no room for self-accountability either.

Asking, on the other hand, empowers all parties and leads to self-accountability. It only works though, when you are committed to your clear bottom line. Once you know your bottom line, you can make an open ended request that can be negotiated and agreed to by all parties concerned. For example, you could ask "Would you be willing and able to cook dinner on Wednesday evenings?" or "Would you make sure the trash is out before you go to bed on Monday nights?" Being open to a yes or a no, makes room for creative ways to come to consensus, where both of you get what you want and need. This allows for ownership and self-awareness on everyone's part. No egos are involved, each person is heard, and in turn each person is getting what they want and need. This model not only empowers the participants, but also models respectful communication patterns.

The key to knowing when to use an 'ask' and when to use a 'tell' lies in truly knowing what you want and need. If, in the moment, you need to be obeyed without question, use a tell. If however, there is time for discussion and room for creative solutions, use an ask. If you overuse tells, you will be surrounded by people who cannot think for themselves, they will expect you to do all their thinking for them. If your default mode is truly asking and listening, then you will be teaching and modeling independence, self reliance, and self-accountability.

Challenge: Can you make a request and negotiate an agreement while knowing your bottom line?

2009-07-14T06:44:00.004-04:00

In this week's MP3 class by Diana Sterling, I was challenged to rethink responsibility and self accountability. While these classes are focusing on helping parents with teens, it continues to amaze me how these tools are important ways to communicate with everyone, not just the teens in my life.

The formula is simple, figure out what I want (my bottom line), make a request to the person who can give it to me, negotiate until we reach an agreement, then restate the agreement so that we both understand what we agreed to. What happens when we start talking to our families, especially our children, that makes this model seem so foreign? How empowering would it be if we used and taught this model to our families?

I think my Montessori training served me well again in regards to this idea. While I was not nearly as consistent or deliberate as I would have liked, I did try very hard to make requests of kids instead of dictator demands. I remember one time specifically because it caused a big fight between my mother and me.

We owned goats and before they had a pen of their own, they 'hung out' by the kitchen door. Every morning the kitchen steps had to be hose down and swept off because of the mess the baby goats left. It was agreed, by the adults in the house, that the kids would be responsible for this chore. Well, Kayleigh refused, instead of a fight I just asked her which of my chores she would like to do so that I would be free to clean the steps.

When my mom came out and saw me cleaning the steps, she was furious, the idea that a kid could have any say in their chores made her so angry she couldn't even speak rationally. That was a real moment of clarity for me. Mom and I had different bottom lines, for me running the house and getting the chores done were just a matter of everyone willingly chipping in without me having to police or nag. For my mom, running the house was a way to control, dictate and teach that in life you need to learn to do what you are told. The conflict was because neither of us valued the other person's bottom line.

If I had been given this formula a long time ago, it would have kept me more consistent. I also would have been able to better explain why allowing teens, spouses, even parents to negotiate with requests allows everyone to be more SELF-ACCOUNTABLE. When we dictate our desires (Take the trash out NOW!)or ask in weak terms (I would like it if you would take the trash out), we are not giving the other person a chance to take any ownership or assume any self-directed sense of responsibility.

On the other hand when we make a clear honest request, stating what we want, the other person should feel free to say Yes or No. If they say yes because they want to, they will be much more likely to follow through. If they say no, it is time to renegotiate. Renegotiation means you need to ask direct questions and listen with your lips shut.

In my personal example, my bottom line was that the mess needed to be cleaned up every morning, Kayleigh said no. So, when I realized it wasn't that she didn't want to help out the family, she just really, really didn't want that job, we were able to renegotiate a solution that freed me to do the job I wanted done and freed her to do a job that she felt ownership of. This made us both more self-accountable. She felt empowered, responsible, and respected. So, I didn't have to nag her to do the chore she chose.

For me, the hardest part is figuring out my 'bottom line', being able to clearly state what I want in one sentence. The next step is just a little easier, honestly requesting what I would like the other person to do about that want and being willing to hear a yes or a no. If I can get that far, listening to the other person is the easy part for me. However, more than once not following through with restating the agreement has lead conflict because it comes out later that we understood the agreement differently.

Are you up for this week's challenge? Can you begin to make requests, listen with an open mind for a yes or no, renegotiate (without trying to manipulate), and restate the agreement? I would love to hear how this works for you, write me an email or leave a comment. Peace.

Challenge: Can you train yourself to listen from within the other person’s point of view?

2009-07-07T09:26:00.004-04:00

This week I have been challenged to really think about how I am listening to others. In a class I listened to on MP3, Diana Sterling, taught about three levels of listening. The first is personalized listening; we do this when we share a personal story about our lives that was sparked by a personal story in the other person’s life. The next level is a little deeper. When we are at level two, we are interested in the other person and tend to ask lots of questions, gathering facts to learn more. In the third level of listening, we actually attempt to feel what it would be like to be that person and listen with our feelings as well as our ears. All three ways of listening are valid and appropriate. Each one serves a different purpose, the idea this week is to know how to switch between them when necessary.

When we listen to another person, but stay in our own point of view, we are listening for connections. We want to see how this person is like us, we want to share how we are like them. It validates us, it builds bridges, and it lets others get to know us. Where is goes awry is when it is the only listening level used. It can come across as judgmental especially in family situations. Our teens may be telling us about a rotten day at school, and we respond to them with all the rotten days we had at school and how we handled them. At first glance we think we are setting good examples, being supportive, and encouraging them. However, the teen (parent, spouse, co-worker) is probably thinking ‘she doesn’t really get me, she thinks everything is same as it was for her, she doesn’t think I am unique, I will never be up to her standards.’ We walk away from the conversation thinking we made a connection, the teen walks away feeling diminished.

In level two listening, we reign in our personal stories and ask more information gathering questions. This is great for getting background, for our understanding of the subject and often gets the other person to open up a bit more. With a teen (and others) often we get one or two word answers back to our fact-finding questions. The advantages are the other person does feel listened to, he feels heard and acknowledged. We also find out more of how the other person is thinking. In the same situation as above, the teen is telling us about a rotten day at school, this time we ask ‘who, what, when, where, and how’ type questions....without trying to advise or judge.... at the end of the conversation the teen (or whoever) feels hear. He feels like we have taken time to listen to him. We also have a deeper understanding of what happened and how the other person is processing it.

That all sounds great, so how can we do better? We can go into level three listening. In level three, we listen from within the other person’s point of view. We pause to really feel what it would be like to be the other person in that moment. What does the world look like to them, what are they experiencing, and how do others sound to them? In our rotten day scenario it would look more like this: when our teen is telling us about their rotten day, we listen with our feelings as well as our ears. We imagine what it would be like to be in that classroom at that time, the tension, the frustration of feeling powerless against peers or teachers and we imagine the physical surroundings. This takes longer so there are longer pauses between questions, in this imagined state we can also make statements like ‘I can feel how hard that was for you, I can see the challenge you faced, I respect the way you handled that situation.’ Now when the conversation is over, the pauses have given him time to hear and think for himself. The other person walks away not just feeling heard, but also feeling a sense of connection, a sense of empowerment, a sense of been supported, known, and understood. We walk away with a deeper sense of understanding, a stronger sense of connection to our loved one, and more compassion.

Each level of listening is important. Learning which is appropriate to the situation is what takes practice and attention. The first step is paying attention while we are listening so that we can assess which level of listening we are doing. The next step is to ask ourselves which level is appropriate for this conversation. And the final advanced step is being able to seamlessly switch to the appropriate level.

I would love to hear feedback on how this works for you. Please leave a comment or write me an email. Peace.

Challenge: Can you stop using the word Pride or Proud?

2009-06-30T04:45:00.001-04:00

I know it sounds like a very strange challenge. Why is it ‘wrong’ to tell the people we love that we are proud of them for their accomplishments? Why would it be ‘bad’ to say to our child I am so proud of you for the medal you won, the great grades you recieved, or the beautiful drawing you created? Why would it undermined our relationship with our spouse to say I am proud of you for getting that promotion at work or to our parent I am proud of you for finally taking that trip to Europe you have always talked about?

These seem like loving supporting words, but in reality they are destructive to healthy relationships. The first time I heard this was over 30 years ago when I was taking training to be a Montessori teacher. During the training, we practiced asking questions such as “Why do you like this work?” and “What did you learn from doing this project?” We practiced praise that was very specific and honest. Things like “Your use of complementary colors makes this flower vibrant.” Or “The way you cleaned up your mess shows respect for your classmates.”

Somewhere along the way, this type of speech became natural for me, but only when in “teacher mode.” It never clicked to use it with the other people in my life or to use it with my kids outside of ‘educational’ settings. I knew all about internal vs. external validation, but in my mind that was part of a student-mentor relationship.

It wasn’t too long ago when I told my 23 year old daughter I was proud of her for the amazing choices she has made in her life. I told her, I was proud of her for choosing to work with inner city kids this summer. I was proud of her for making very tough responsible financial decisions. And I was proud of her for choosing to quit a well paying job that was making her miserable so she could follow her heart. I thought at the time, I was being loving and supportive.

However yesterday, I had one of those ‘duh’ moments. I was listening to the first of four one-hour teleconferences by Diana Sterling and it really clicked. When we say “I am proud of you because......” a few things are happening. First, we are making their accomplishments all about us. “I am proud” can equal “I feel somewhat responsible for this, it helps my self-esteem.” I think this is especially true when a parent is saying it to a child. Second, we make the person dependent upon our approval for their self-worth. They are only ‘good’ if we approve of their actions and accomplishments. This has nothing to do with who they are at the core, so they are only as good as their last action. They can never rest in the knowledge they are known and valued for who they are instead of what they do. And when the other person is always seeking outside approval it never allows him to develop a trust for his own internal compass.

In light of what I learned, I realized what I should have said to my daughter was, I respect you for your dedication to sharing your gifts with others. I respect you for your ability to see past instant gratification. I respect you for listening to you body and your heart. I respect how you love yourself and share that love with the world. These statements are loving and supportive. They allow her to be known, her inner qualities that transcend her actions and accomplishment. They show her that I see and value the uniqueness that makes her special and different from anyone else I have ever met. They are words that empower her, not me.

Are you up for the challenge, can you make that shift to really seeing and respecting the other person for who they are and not what they do? I would love to hear feedback on how this works for you. Please leave a comment or write me an email. Peace.

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Play

Challenge: Can you take a new risk each day that leads you closer to your heart's desire?

Challenge: Can you make room for creativity in your daily life?

Self Audit

Challenge: Can you make Desire a part of your daily life?

Two New Workshops

Challenge: Can you make Truth a part of your daily life?

Challenge: Can you learn to do NOTHING?

Challenge: Can you stop rescuing and start supporting?

Challenge: Can you stop confusing asking with telling?

Challenge: Can you make a request and negotiate an agreement while knowing your bottom line?

Challenge: Can you train yourself to listen from within the other person’s point of view?

Challenge: Can you stop using the word Pride or Proud?

3 Simple and Loving Behaviors
by Dr. Jackie Black